


A Hole in the World

by gottalovev



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: First Time, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-06
Updated: 2011-01-06
Packaged: 2017-10-14 11:48:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/148921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gottalovev/pseuds/gottalovev
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One day, Rodney walks out of Atlantis without saying why and vanishes. While John does everything he can to find him, he is forced to face the fact that he has feelings for Rodney that run deeper than he'd realized.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Hole in the World

_Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell._ ~ Edna St Vincent Millay

 

 **A Hole in the World**

 

The strangest thing isn't that one day Rodney McKay just walks out of Atlantis without an explanation; it's that it takes nearly 24 hours before anyone realizes what happened.

***

When he finally reaches his room, John thinks he should get a medal when he forgoes immediately face-planting on his bed to make a detour in the bathroom for a shower. It proves to be an inspired move when the water, as hot as he can stand it, pounds John's shoulder and he can feel his muscles trying to relax. If he's lucky, the knots won't be permanent. The last three days have been hell, and by that he re-defines the Pit as the act of digging in the clay-like soil of the mainland from sunrise to sunset. But they did, indeed, finish the irrigation ditches to help the Athosian with their crops. In the process, John has done more manual labor than he had done in years. Maybe even in the last couple of years _combined_. He's not getting any younger and he feels it _everywhere_.

But if it had been quite an exhausting task, at least everyone seems happy at the result. John used the chore for a well needed boot camp for almost all military personnel, keeping only a minimum watch on Atlantis. John had been reachable by radio at all times in case of emergency, of course, but everything had gone well on both the mainland and in the city, where they'd had quite a nice stretch of no life threatening emergencies. As soon as he thinks about their good streak, John winces, because it would be too bad to jinx everything by the sheer power of thinking about it too loudly. Life in Pegasus is fickle that way. Since there's no wood to knock on, John taps his head.

But yes, everything has gone well save from the fact that John is now one living knot of pain. He takes a little relief in the fact that he's physically done everything he asked of his men and that he's done it to the very end - even when he thought he'd pass out from exhaustion. He's not the only one hurting: even the fittest marines were walking stiffly when they ferried back home, and John is pretty sure that he's gained more respect from the little gang that sometimes view the Flyboys with contempt.

John lets the water cascade on his battered body until he realizes that he's practically sleeping upright, and then quickly washes before getting out of the shower, patting himself dry. He's hungry but it will wait: there's nothing keeping him from his bed now. Slipping under the covers is a Godsend, the sheets cool against his skin, and he has the most comfortable pillow _ever_. John glances at his alarm clock and decides not to be bothered that he's in bed at 8 pm like a goddamn kid. He just hopes that Rodney won't come over for their regular Tuesday night chess game; there's no way he can hold any concentration at the moment and he doesn't feel like getting his ass kicked, and even less to hear Rodney gloat about it. John considers calling him on the comms, but that would mean stretching his arm for his radio and it's too much effort. Anyway, it's only a matter of seconds before he's out like a light.

***

A piece of friendly advice? No matter the base - and it seems it extends to bases in other galaxies - never touch the oatmeal. Well that's John's opinion, since it always looks and taste like a cross between glue and cement. Not that the cooks don't do their best with what they have over here, but John safely picks the eggs and toast. There's the sort of blueberry jam, too, so John grabs a bit of it, a cup of coffee and makes his way to Teyla and Ronon, who are already sitting in their usual corner.

"Good morning, John," Teyla says with a smile and John tries to cover a wince when he sits. Yes, he's still cramped all over. Ronon smirks and John accidentally kicks his foot under the table.

"And good morning to you," John says with his best smile. "Everyone slept well?"

"Sure," Ronon says. "I think you slept a bit too well, Sheppard, you missed our run," he teases.

"Sorry about that," John says with a grimace. There is no way in hell that he could have followed Ronon on a 5K this morning, as it was he’d been still glued to his mattress in misery.

"Getting stiff in your old age?" Ronon asks, eyes dancing with mirth, before taking a big bite of his muffin. John hadn't seen any muffins and he takes a moment to regret not getting here fifteen minutes earlier.

"I'm not admitting anything of the sort!" John says with a smile, leaning back against his chair and sipping some coffee.

"Perhaps we could do some stretching exercises, later, to ease your pain," Teyla suggests. It's said in a considerate tone, but John hears the teasing loud and clear.

"I'm fine," John says. Since he needs a distraction from this conversation on his body betraying him, John looks around at the tables that are starting to fill. "McKay's already gone to the labs?"

One thing is for sure, Rodney McKay never gets to the mess too late to get the good stuff in the morning. He could even be the cause of the muffin disappearance before John got here. Well him and Ronon. Teyla shakes her head.

"I have not seen Rodney this morning," she says and Ronon agrees with a grunt.

Oh well, it's not unheard of. Either Rodney is already in the labs because he got up real early or didn't go to bed yet, or he worked until the little hours in the morning and will be all but catatonic in his room until noon. John wonders if he should go check in the labs, in the chance he's still there and needs to be pried from whatever project he's obsessing over at the moment.

"Colonel?"

John's shaken from his reverie and looks up at his second in command. Lorne looks preoccupied, and that's never a good sign at 0730.

"Major?"

Lorne falls at parade rest, eyes forward; this is definitely serious. John sits up, frowning up at him.

"Sorry to disturb your breakfast. I'd need to speak to you, sir," Evan says.

And that's when John knows that shit has hit the fan, if Lorne needs to say it like that. On the other hand, if it was a life or death emergency they'd already be on the go. John looks forlornly at his sort of blueberry jam on toast and gets up.

"Okay, let's go," John says.

As he leaves, Ronon snatches his food. Of course. Well, this day could only get better.

***

John sometimes wonders if it's karma that sends him every so often soldiers that are a little too much like he was at their age. This morning's situation - a smartass getting into trouble with a couple of guys with no sense of humor over the attention of a girl the scoundrel was not even interested in - was painfully familiar. John has a little sympathetic thought for his previous COs, although the guilt should pass very soon. But still, interviewing everyone, finding a suitable punishment for all and the assorted paperwork took way too much time. And that's not counting on Lorne who had been devious, taking advantage that John was cornered in his office to make him sign tons of requisitions and other arcane forms.

Before he knows it it's almost lunch time. John thinks Lorne lets him escape just because his stomach is making the most pitiful growls ever. He's so hungry, he could eat a horse. Or whatever it is in the stew they get in the mess; John learned long ago not to ask questions that he doesn't want answered. It's good, that's all he needs to know. John's pushing back his tray to sprawl back against his chair and take a nicely deserved break when Zelenka stops by his table.

"May I?" Radek asks, with a small smile. John smiles back and gestures to the free chairs. He's always liked the man.

"Be my guest," John says.

"Thank you," Radek says, and then eyes his stew suspiciously, poking the mystery meat with his fork.

"Don't worry, Doc, it's not half bad," John says.

Thus encouraged, Zelenka takes a bite and after careful chewing he makes a pleased sound.

"I must agree that it is quite good!" he says, before taking a second bite, neat and civilized, and John can't help but think at how he'd like his own scientist to have better table manners. Ronon could use them too. Maybe Teyla could set up etiquette classes, but John's pretty sure the idea would not go over so well with his teammates.

"So, what's got you guys busy nowadays?" John asks, since he still hasn't heard of McKay today, and it must mean that all the geeks are on to something.

"Power distribution, shield improvement, random failures in a ten thousand year old city, the usual," Radek says with a shrug. "We do not have time for everything, but make the most of it. We even did some exploration lately."

"Yeah, Rodney said something about that," John says, although it was not really a coherent explanation and more like bouncing excitement over something. Since the military had to leave for the Athosian settlement for the irrigation project, John had not had time to learn what it was. John had been promised a tour, though.  
"Whatever it is that Rodney found, he is very excited," Radek echoed. "I'm happy to see you are already returned from your mission, maybe he will finally show us."

"Got promised a tour too, huh?" John smiles, and isn't that just like McKay, wanting to make a production of showing off whatever he's found.

When Radek nods, John decides to make it happen ASAP. Whatever it is will certainly improve his day. He dares to hope for a super weapon. Maybe a cool robot. Another scientist sits down at their table and it gives John the excuse to escape. As soon as he's out of the mess hall, he taps his radio.

"McKay, come in."

No answer. John repeats the hail after a minute, but he's still met by silence. Sighing, John decides to go look for Rodney.

***

John reasons that since Rodney practically never turns his comm. off, too preoccupied by security procedure, he must be sleeping. He rings Rodney's door chime, wincing a bit because if he wakes up Rodney, it's not unlike kicking a bee hive. There's no answer, so after a minute, John does it again, using the rhythm of "When the Saints Go Marching In". Pushing Rodney's annoyance buttons can be a good motivator to get him out of bed.

When he's done and there's still no sign that he woke Rodney, not even insults, John pounds on the door.

"Hey, Rodney! Wakie wakie, it's one in the afternoon for crying out loud!" he shouts.

The sleeping quarters are pretty much deserted at this time of the day, but a young guy - John thinks he's a botanist - scurries past him, as if he's afraid to get caught in the blast radius when Rodney finally answers. But Rodney doesn't answer, so all signs point to the fact that he's not even there.

John frowns, uneasy now, and Atlantis is a doll and opens Rodney's door for him. He's going to check, that's it, going in is not an invasion of privacy. John barely steps inside, sees that there's no Rodney-shaped lump passed out from exhaustion on the bed, checks that Rodney didn't drown in his bath, then turns around and he's right back outside. Okay, so Rodney's not sleeping, so he must be too busy doing whatever project he’s favoring lately: sometimes he ignores his radio if he deems it's not worthy of his attention. It's rare, but it never fails to infuriate John. He taps his comm. unit again, but uses the senior staff channel, rarely used outside of emergencies. _THAT_ one is never blocked, he thinks peevishly.

"Doctor Rodney McKay, please report," John says, although he's instinctively going towards the labs. That should do it, the full name and title, worthy of a Wraith armada on the long range sensors.

But it doesn't.

When he gets to the labs, Rodney's usual work spaces are notably empty. In fact, both the main lab and the auxiliary one with the special projects are Rodney-free, there are scientists milling about but no one is edging them along. There's something abnormal going on here. John goes back to the main lab and raises his voice.

"Hey, guys!" he says, and most of the staff turns to him.

"Has anyone seen Rodney?"

***

Clearly, the fact that Rodney's not in the lab at the moment is not seen like a _bad_ thing in itself. Most of the scientists had answered with various shakes of the head or shrugs before going back to work, and if John wasn't mistaken one had grumbled that they were better off without him, anyway. Not dignifying that with an answer, John gets out of the lab and turns opens his radio again.

"Dr. Zelenka, please report," John says.

"Colonel Sheppard?" Zelenka answers immediately.

"I'm looking for Rodney and he's not in the labs. Any ideas where he could be hiding?" John says.

"Maybe in his room, yes?" Zelenka asks.

"Nope, already checked. I'm gonna go see a couple of his hiding spots, but if you see him can you have him call me?" John asks.

"Sure thing Colonel."

"Thanks, Sheppard out."

John can't help it; he has an uneasy feeling about this. He starts a tour of the places he knows Rodney sometimes likes to hide out to work, when he's on a problem that preoccupies him more than usual. More than once John has had to hunt him down to make sure he ate properly or caught a bit of sleep.

His first stop is a balcony on the South tower, with a magnificent view of the city, where Rodney has set up a lounge chair. John regularly comes here himself, when he needs to regroup and have a little peace. No Rodney or any signs he could have been here in the last hours: there are no littered papers or power bar wrappers.

But that's not the only known hiding spot, so John jogs to the West Pier, although this one is generally reserved for introspection business that happens after hairy missions or a major crisis. Once again, no Rodney. From then on, John goes to check on a couple of places where he knows the science team has side projects on hold. After the second deserted lab, John crosses the path of a young marine who straightens as soon as he spots him and salutes. One of the new kids.

"At ease, Hamill." Thank god for name tags on uniforms.

"Sir."

"You're new, right? How do you like the place?" John asks.

"It's beautiful, Sir," the kid says, grinning.

"Sure is," John says, gesturing at Hamill, who looks about to go on with his patrol. John finally speaks up again, as if it's an afterthought; he doesn't want to sound paranoid. "Oh, wait a sec. You know who Dr. McKay is, right?"

The young man smirks.

"Of course. Who doesn't?"

John laughs.

"Please, never say that to his face, we're trying to keep his ego in check. I'm looking for him, have you seen him around?" John asks.

Private Hamill shakes his head.

"No, sorry Sir, I haven’t seen Dr. McKay today."

"Oh well. Well carry on, Private. If you do happen to see him, tell him to report to me?" John asks.

"Sure thing."

With a small salute he goes on his way and John frowns. There's definitely something not right. You don't lose Rodney McKay, ever.

 

***

As he gets back to the center of the city, John asks everyone he meets if they've seen McKay, trying to keep it casual. By the time he reaches the infirmary he's definitely worried. Carson is in his office, the small one he uses when he comes to Atlantis, elbow deep in paperwork by the look of it.

"Hiya, doc," John drawls, as he leans against the door frame.

Carson looks up and smiles as if John is a very welcome distraction.

"Hello Colonel. Is there something I can do for you?"

"I was just wondering," John says as he enters the office and takes a chair. "Have you seen Rodney today?"

Carson immediately shakes his head.

"No, not today." Carson frowns. "Why, is something wrong?"

"I'm starting to wonder, I radioed and looked all over and I can't find him," John says.

Saying it out loud makes the sense of dread ratchet up a bit in John and he gets up again and starts pacing back and forth, telling Carson about his search.

"Surely he’s just into some very interesting project of his and forgot to surface. You know Rodney," Carson finally says, trying to be reassuring.

John has been telling himself the same thing all day, but there's just one problem with that.

"What if his pet experiment blew in his face? This is _Atlantis_ , Carson," John says with feeling. Atlantis, where stupid lethal shit is just waiting to happen.

Carson frowns and he taps on his own radio.

"Rodney, this is Carson. I need to talk to you," Carson says.

John admires the subtlety in this affirmation to get McKay to finally call back. Maybe Rodney has been ignoring John's calls because he dismissed them as unimportant - _even on the command staff channel_ a little voice nags - but Carson hailing McKay can mean there's something wrong with his health. It's a pretty surefire way to have him call back as soon as he can.

The problem is that Rodney doesn't call back. After five minutes, exasperated, John stops in the middle of the room and faces Carson.

"That's it. I'm setting up a search party."

"Maybe we could ask around?" Carson says.

"I asked around!" John almost shouts. He has a degree in Rodney finding, for crying out loud, he does it so often. John's now convinced that something has happened. He taps his radio.

"Zelenka, come in."

"Colonel?" Zelenka answers with barely any delay. "Have you found Rodney?"

Shit, that means he hasn't seen him either.

"No, any news?"

"I have interrogated the lab personnel and it seems no one has seen Rodney today. It is very unusual," Zelenka says, and there's a definite thread of worry in his voice.

"I want to know every project he was working on in the last few days and their locations."

John only hopes Rodney actually said what he was working on to someone.

"I have already started making a list," Zelenka says, and boy does John love organized people.

"Should I send people to verify those labs?"

"We'll be careful and send military personnel with them. I'm going to do the dispatch right now," John says.

"Then we will wait," Zelenka answers.

"I'll contact you in a minute. Sheppard out."

John notices that Carson is double-checking the content of an emergency kit, obviously getting ready to be on one of the search teams himself. John doesn't know if it reassures him or freaks him out a bit more. He takes a breath and opens comms again.

"Major Lorne, Mr. Woolsey, we have a situation. Meeting in Mr. Woolsey's office in five."

"Yes Sir," comes Lorne's immediate answer.

"I'll be there," Woolsey confirms.

When he finds Rodney, John is going to tear him a new one.

***

Most people, and in that Woolsey is included, seems to think that John is a bit paranoid to start a city search for Rodney just because he could not find him after looking for a couple of hours. But John is comforted that he's doing the right thing when he's backed by Zelenka and Carson, who certainly, with him and the rest of his Team, know Rodney best. With Lorne's help, John sets up three search parties to go through the list Zelenka made of recent projects, and John decides to lead the one to the new part of the city that has just been explored. He takes Zelenka, Ronon, Teyla and Becket with him, and he just wishes that they'll find the damn fucker ASAP and berate him on how everyone was worried about him.

John knows Rodney doesn't always realize how much people really care for him on Atlantis, but they do, and sometimes it's tough love. Ronon has not said a word since he's learned that Rodney's missing, looking pissed. When they do find him - because they will, John can't contemplate any alternative right now - there's a good chance they'll gang up on the guy and make him feel so guilty he'll never ever pull a stunt like that again.

The new labs, explored the week before, are in a part of the city that is far from the center, and therefore had not been deemed interesting enough to check out in the first five years they've been on Atlantis. Not that they had that much leisure time to explore even now, with all of the surviving and fighting for their lives they do, but Rodney had seen something on the database that had him target this particular tower, and here they are.

The corridors have the same abandoned feel of the city as when they first got here, with the creepy dead plants here and there and almost complete silence but for their footsteps and occasional words.

"It is this area," Zelenka says, poking at his tablet. "This corridor in particular. Rodney spent quite a lot of time in these labs when he first discovered them."

John has a hunch that if Rodney's not here, he isn't anywhere else. If he got trapped, or something worse, they just need to be careful. The problem is that there's no dot appearing on the life sign detector, and that's really worrisome. Maybe one of these rooms has something that smudges the signal, though.

"Okay, then we'll go room by room with extreme caution and no one touches anything. If there's something out of the ordinary, or a sign Rodney has been here, say it immediately, and we'll regroup before investigating."

He gestures to Ronon, Teyla and Becket to take the right hand side of the corridor as he and Zelenka take the left. Before entering a room, John takes the time to check it out properly, then goes in with caution, careful not to give anything that would be in the room the idea that it needs to react. The first room is set with tables in a half circular pattern and a dais in the front; it's easy to imagine a classroom, or an amphitheater to provide entertainment. Knowing what he does of the Ancients, John decides that a classroom is way more plausible. No Rodney, though, so they leave it behind, and enter a lab that has all but been wiped clean of equipment. Zelenka's eyes go from his tablet to the room, and he turns to John.

"There does not seem to be any storage space."

John agrees: no need to lose time here. They are entering a second lab that's almost exactly the same as the first and just as uninteresting when John's radio chirps.

"Sheppard, there's a locked door," Ronon says. "Carson can't open it."

Atlantis might be playing favorites with John most of the time, but she rarely keeps a door closed to people expressing the gene naturally. John shares a look with Zelenka and they hurry over where Carson, Teyla and Ronon are observing a door that looks exactly the same as all of the others. John goes to stand right in front of it and thinks as authoritative as he can that he wants it to open _now_ , but it doesn't bulge.

"Damnit, won't open for me either," John says, frustrated.

"Let me," Zelenka says, already opening the panel on the wall to play with the crystals, a frown on his face. "This was deliberate. Whoever got the door closed did not want anyone to open it."

"Rodney?" John asks.

"It could be. But it has been done from this side of the door."

Why would Rodney or anyone block the door? Either it's because what is inside is totally awesome and Rodney wanted to be the only one working on it, or at the opposite it's insanely dangerous and he needed people to keep out. In this case, though, wouldn't he have warned the rest of the expedition of the danger? There's another possibility, though: that someone has closed the door while Rodney was still inside. There's still no activity on the life sign detector, but John is going in.

"Can you open it?" John asks.

"Yes. Allow me two minutes," Zelenka says, permuting crystals, some that he then puts back in upside down. Locking the door was definitely the work of someone deeply at ease with the system, or, if not, determined to mess stuff around as much as he could.

"John, I wonder if it is advisable to open the door?" Teyla risks, and John glares at her. She looks concerned, but meets his eyes right on and does not break eye contact. John knows she wants to find Rodney as much as he does, and that she's no coward. She's visibly worried by what could be on the other side of the door.

"I'm wondering the same, Colonel," Carson adds. "Maybe we should get hazmat suits?"

It's not like there are no grounds for concern, but what if Rodney's in danger? John doesn't want to wait one more second, and getting the suits would make them lose half an hour at a minimum. John scans their surroundings and sees that there are blast doors at each end of the corridor.

"I get that we should be careful, but I'm not waiting for the suits. Let's isolate the corridor. I'll go in there," John points to the door, "and see if it's clear. Then I'll signal you in."

More than one face has a _'how will you know it's all clear?'_ expression, but they don't voice it.

"I'll go in with you," Ronon says.

John nods his approval. He hates to expose Ronon to danger unnecessarily, but backup is backup and sometimes it's needed.

"It should open, now," Zelenka says, straightening up and readjusting his glasses.

"Okay, guys, let's do this. Everyone out," John says and the others get into position. When they're safe on the other side of the blast doors, John taps his radio.

"Are you guys ready?" he asks.

"Yes, John. Be cautious," Teyla answers.

"OK, going in," John says, and this time the door opens nicely for him.

John steps inside cautiously, this time feeling the hum of Ancient technology calling for his attention. It's a lab, just as he thought it would be, and a rapid and efficient sweep of the place with Ronon shows that there is no one in it. _No bodies, either,_ his subconscious unhelpfully adds, and John lets go a breath he didn't know he was holding before he lowers his gun.

Not even ten seconds are needed to check the place completely, but it's obvious that if it's deserted right now, Rodney _has_ been here recently: John would recognize the organized mess he creates around himself anywhere. There are a couple of coffee cups and a plate with crumbs on a work table, where a laptop is opened but asleep at the moment. Next to it are various trinkets and tools, and a weirdly shaped device with various protuberances that look like stainless steel tentacles; the device is not much bigger than a soccer ball and is hooked to the computer. The pull coming from it is particularly strong, a reaction which makes John recoil. Contrary to what some people say, he's learned to keep his hands to himself.

"What's that?" Ronon asks.

"I have no idea," John says, but he intends to find out. "All clear over here," he says on his search party's frequency. "Zelenka I'd like your input on something."

The others come in not a minute later and gather around the worktable, just as John swipes a finger on the laptop's touch-pad to wake it up. It's set on a screen with red letters filling the screen.

"DANGER!!!! DO NOT TOUCH THIS FUCKING MACHINE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. NOT EVEN YOU RADEK! GET OUT, NOW!"

Well shit. John exchanges a worried glance with Zelenka, who checks something quickly on the laptop.

"This message was created at one pm yesterday," he says.

"Maybe we should go," Carson says, looking a little spooked, before pushing one of the coffee mugs towards John. Frowning, John sees that it's half full and _that_ \- coffee Rodney didn't take time to drink - is probably a sign of the apocalypse.

"Okay, yes, everybody out and let's seal this lab until we know more," John says, eying the Ancient device that has various lights randomly lighting up on it. It's been activated, probably by Rodney, and all the signs suggest it was not a good idea. Zelenka unhooks cables from the laptop, which makes John frown. "He said not to touch the machine."

"But nothing about the computer. If I want to know what is going on, I need to be able to search something," Zelenka replies. John lets him grab the laptop before ushering him out.

The first thing Zelenka does is to pull out the crystals of the door mechanism, and then puts them in his pocket so no one can open the door anymore.

"I want to know what the hell is going on," John demands, almost vibrating with the need for something to happen, a new lead, anything. They're almost as much in the dark than before they found this lab. In fact it's even worse: not only is Rodney missing, but he's gone after discovering something potentially dangerous.

"Oh, me too," Radek says, his mouth a thin line. "I will search this computer and get back to you."

 

***

The idea to go ask Atlantis itself where Rodney is only comes to John half an hour later, after it's been announced on loudspeaker that anyone having seen Dr. Rodney McKay after 1300 the previous day needs to report to Major Lorne. John makes his way to the chair room and sits down. Sensing the incredible rush of Atlantis connecting to every single one of his nerve endings never gets old. It's a feeling that is incredibly strong, where he feels like he's a cog in the machine, but it's not perfect and John has learned that Atlantis won't hand him what he wants to know on a silver platter. To communicate with the city and expect feedback, he needs to concentrate to illustrate - if possible - his questions in visual concepts.

Every member of the expedition is set with sub-cutaneous transmitters, so that's the first thing John asks for, stressing he wants to locate Rodney's frequency. There's no signal. John takes a breath, forcing it not to be shaky, and then calls the general map of the city and the illustration of each and every life sign it contains, which is a pretty basic operation. The problem with this is that they are not personalized, making it almost impossible to know which dot is who. John mentally labels the dot in the chair room at his name. He then asks for video feed from the gate room, and subsequently identifies each dot over there with a name.

John knows that Atlantis keeps track of everyone inhabiting her, so once he's started and done half a dozen people, he nudges her so she does the rest. It's almost instantaneous, little names appearing beside dots all over. John praises her, and he can almost feel a vibration of content. This feature could be useful on so many levels, although the potential for breach of privacy is also very high. John decides to keep the new and improved life sign identification to himself, at least for the moment.

Once every dot is identified, it's easy enough to ask to see Rodney's. Unfortunately, the screen goes blank. Frowning, John asks for Zelenka and a dot immediately appears in the labs. John nudges Atlantis again, "where's Rodney?"

Nothing lights up. John starts to feel queasy, because that's terrible news. Rodney got out of a lab where there was something dangerous, and now there's no life sign at his name?

"Colonel Sheppard, come in." It's Lorne.

"Any news?" he asks, hoping that they haven't found a body. Shit.

"Dr. McKay left with a gate team for YY7-636 yesterday at 1345."

"What?" John says, coming to a full stop, blinking. There's no life sign because Rodney stepped out of the city. Could it be that easy? "Why didn't anyone say something?"

He had no idea that Rodney had a mission scheduled on another planet, in fact, he was pretty sure that he had NONE. Rodney had been very clear that his time would be better spent on Atlantis, finally looking into the million and one projects that needed his attention, than to go dig trenches on the mainland.

"No one thought to ask the gate technicians. SGA-4 is scheduled to check in on the hour, Sir. So far, every check up has been done and the mission is going as planned."

Getting up from the chair, John starts walking towards the gate room. He's gonna be there for that check in, that's for sure.

"And what is the mission, exactly?" John can't quite remember what YY7-636 stands for, although he's pretty sure he'd know if it's a technological advanced civilization.

"Well..." at the hesitation, John knows something is wrong. "Grain negotiation, Sir."

John's jaw falls open and his stomach does a weird twist. Definitely something fishy, here, he doesn't like it at all.

The young guy who's with Lorne near the communication unit when John arrives in the gate room looks nervous, twisting the hem of his shirt. Another newbie, and he almost shrinks in on himself when he spots John advancing towards him. Summoning a calm he's not feeling at all, John even tries to smile while saluting Lorne and gesturing him to be at ease.

"Hi there, what's your name?" he asks the kid.

"Matt Forsberg, Colonel." Minutely, the guy relaxes. John has the impression he thought he'd be yelled at.

"Tell me everything you know."

"As I told Major Lorne, Dr. McKay was with SGA-4 when we opened the wormhole for YY7-636. He went through with them at 1345," Forsberg says.

"That didn't seem unusual to you?" John tries to make the question as mellow as he can.

This time Forsberg blushes.

"Uh, no. His name was on the schedule, with SGA-4, and they didn't say anything unusual. McKay was only urging that we just open the gate already, but that's..." he shrugs, looking apologetic.

Yeah, pretty much par for the course for McKay. But something ain't right.

"You say his name was on the schedule?" John asks.

Forsberg nods, and calls a listing on the computer. It indeed has Rodney's name set to get out with SGA-4, for fucking _grain negotiation_. John taps the screen with his finger.

"I want to know who put his name there and when, go through the log-ins," John says.

Forsberg nods, already starting to type commands to pull the data.

Sighing, John straightens up.

"SGA-4 is supposed to check in soon?" he asks Lorne, who looks as puzzled as John feels.

"Yes, in eighteen minutes or so."

Nothing much to do until they do.

"Find out everything we have on YY7-636, I want to know why McKay had a sudden urge to go off world when he was not forced to do so."

"Yes, Sir," Lorne says, before walking a couple of steps away and tapping his radio to give instructions.

"Huh," Forsberg says, staring at this screen. He sounds surprised.

"Whaddaya got?" John asks.

"Dr. McKay's name was added to the expedition rooster at 1320."

Twenty-five minutes before departure, definitely not usual procedure. John asks the question even if he's pretty sure he knows the answer.

"Who added it?"

Forsberg looks up at John with his pale blue eyes, knowing that the answer won't give any more clues.

"Dr. McKay did it himself."

***

The next fifteen minutes seem to take forever. John's pacing the gallery thinking of all the ways he's gonna give Rodney hell for going off like that without telling anyone when the chevrons finally start moving for an incoming wormhole. When the puddle has stabilized, Forsberg speaks up.

"It's Sergeant Smith's IDC, Sir."

SGA-4, checking in on time. At least that's a relief.

"Hey Sergeant, how's your mission going?" John asks.

"Colonel Sheppard? Huh...'" after a moment of hesitation, Smith's voice firms and he continues. "Fine Sir, everything is going fine. Just checking in on schedule, and we should have wrapped this mission as planned for a return to base tonight."

Smith doesn't seem to be talking under menace, because he didn't use any of the code conversation that has been set up for this kind of situation. Changing his angle, John asks what he really wants to know.

"That's great. Is Doctor McKay in range of communication?"

"Dr. McKay?" Smith says.

As if he's never heard of the guy.

"Talks a mile a minute, self proclaimed genius... he's pretty hard to miss. Is Dr. Rodney McKay with you or not?" John finds it very hard by that point to not yell in his radio.

"But Dr. McKay went back to Atlantis!" Smith replies and John twirls to frown at Forsberg, who looks completely surprised.

"Details, Sergeant," John says, curt.

"He came here with us, something he needed at the market. He bought it as we were going across the fair to the negotiating tents, and then announced to Major Kersey that he was going back to Atlantis," Smith explains.

"And that's it? You let him go back to the gate on his own?" John says.

Shit, Rodney could have been kidnapped on the way there, especially through a market with traders from many worlds, and who knew, maybe Genii spies too. Rodney is getting way too coveted across Pegasus.

"No, Sir, I went back to the gate with him. It annoyed him, but we have orders, no civilians wandering on their own off world, especially not Dr. McKay. At the gate, he punched the address on the DHD, gave his IDC, and went through the puddle. We then proceeded with the mission as planned."

Forsberg is shaking his head, frowning and probably checking the gate activity.

"At what time did Dr. McKay supposedly gate back?" Forsberg asks.

"It was pretty much 1430 on the dot. Why, he didn't make it back?" Smith asks.

Forsberg looks up at John and shakes his head no. Shit. John closes his eyes for a second, hoping they're not as screwed as he thinks they are.

"No, he did not. Sergeant, I want you and SGA-4 to come back to Atlantis right now for debrief," John says.

"Yes Sir, we're almost done..." Smith says.

"I said NOW!" John barks and sees in his peripheral vision that all military personnel around him jumped to attention, spine straight.

"Sir, yes Sir!" Sergeant Smith says. "I'll go get the rest of my team right now, Smith out."

John realizes he's clenching his jaw so hard that he's in danger of busting a tooth.

"All command staff are needed in the conference room as well as Dr Zelenka, Dex, Emmagan and Major Lorne. Sheppard out," John says quickly in his radio, and then turns to Forsberg. "You too, and bring the data from yesterday."

Someone better have an answer for him soon, or some heads are going to roll.

***

When SGA-4 makes it back to Atlantis, a technician has already gathered for them the video feed of the gate room of the last 28 hours and they've seen Rodney effectively go out with the team the previous afternoon, and not one image of him coming back. In fact, the gate had not opened again until much later that evening, when SGA-2 came back from their own mission.

John's fear is that a solar flare has played the same trick it had done to him a couple of years ago, and that it sent Rodney to Atlantis at some other time. If so, they are way more than fucked because John can't dedicate his life to program a hologram to save Rodney's ass. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he's no Rodney and he'd never succeed. It enrages him, but John knows his limitations. But Radek is assuring everyone that he has triple checked that there has been no unusual activity that could have messed with the wormhole.

"If he wasn't displaced in time, then where the hell is he?" John asks.

"Not on Atlantis," Radek says, crossing his arms defensively. He knows it's not the answer John wanted to hear.

"Okay, so let's go through this again. Let's start by the beginning. Major?"

Major Kersey has been competently leading SG-4 for three years now, and John has complete trust in his judgment, usually. He wonders what the hell went wrong, here.

"Dr. McKay met us in the locker rooms, already geared up. He announced that he'd be coming with us to YY7-636." Major Kersey reports.

"When was this?" John asks.

"1330, fifteen minutes before the mission. It surprised me because it was the first time I heard that he was supposed to come with us, but Dr. McKay just insisted again and again on how we had to go, to get ready already, that he didn't have all day," Kersey says.

"It didn't seem weird?" John asks.

"Not to be impertinent, Sir, but from my experience it's pretty much the usual."

He might not be wrong.

"So he was in a hurry to leave, did he act strangely?" John asks.

"Well he was out of breath and a bit red, as if he had run around, and kept looking at his watch. Again I just thought he was in a hurry, as always," Kersey says.

"Did he take anything? Say something else?" John asks.

He fidgets a bit.

"I must admit that I don't always listen to all of the muttering Dr McKay does," he says.

John is fighting the urge to throttle him, but if he's honest with himself, he zones out on McKay all the time, too.

"He was swearing quite creatively," Coleman, the team's scientist says. "I was a bit surprised because he insults and raves, but he's rarely crass. He did notice my interest and glared daggers until I minded my own business."

Having been on the receiving end of those glares, John can understand the reflex to back up and he doesn't have Rodney as a boss.

"This is important, whatever you heard, we need to know," Woolsey insists.

Coleman sighs.

"He was mostly cursing the Ancients and I maybe heard something about dreams becoming nightmares. That he'd show the son of bitches whatever, I didn't get what. He didn't seem scared, but really, really pissed off."

Coleman stops talking, and throws a look at her team leader for support.

 

"That's true, nothing in Dr McKay's attitude spoke of imminent danger, save from the fact he was in a hurry to go," Kersey confirms.

John grits his teeth: he knows that Rodney overcomes his panic if he's in a dangerous situation, becoming highly focused on the task at hand, so it doesn't mean anything. What speaks to John more is how fucking fast he's gotten out of Atlantis, from the message about the machine left on the computer to getting out the gate, all geared up.

"What did he have on him?" John asks. "When he got in the locker room?"

Major Kersey frowns at him.

"In gear you mean? He was in full uniform, thigh holster too, and had a backpack. He took the tac vest from his locker and then he doubled checked his P-90 before strapping it on too."

Sergeant Smith pipes up.

"He put a couple extra P-90 clips in his backpack. And some for his handgun in his tac vest."

John meets Ronon's eyes over the table and he's pretty sure they have matching raised eyebrows.

"McKay took extra ammo?" Ronon asks. Rodney always has to be forced to take ammo, which takes precious space that would better used, if you believe him, by electronic equipment. "To go to the market on YY7-636?"

Said like that, it speaks volumes. Major Kersey looks stricken.

"I... I didn't realize it was unusual. I just thought he..." he trails off.

"You just thought he was paranoid," John spat. Kersey avoids his eyes.

Sergeant Smith takes the relay.

"I did his buddy check, all was fine, and helped him put on his backpack. He almost bit my head off, urging me to be careful with it and that there was a computer in there. It was kind of heavy."

"He had his tablet too, right?" Zelenka asks.

"Yes, in his hands. And a life sign detector in his tac vest."

It's a lot of gear for an errand. Obviously Rodney knew he would not get back to Atlantis right away, and was preparing for the worst. It makes everything even more confusing. Why hasn't he talked to anyone?

"So in fifteen you were all geared up and went to the gate room," Lorne says.

"Yes. Then we got to YY7-636, and walked to the market."

"Where was Rodney?" Teyla asks. When met with confused stares, she patiently explains what she means. "As you walked towards the market, what was Dr. McKay's position in the group?"

"In front, he was walking first in line, and fast at that. Kept muttering that he didn't have all day and just fucking hurry already. Sorry ma'am, his words," Smith says.

Teyla looks at John pointedly. Yeah, John agrees with a nod, it's once again out of character for Rodney, who rarely walks in front unless he's running for his life.

"So you got to the market and then what?" John urges him on.

"We were going to the negotiation tents, as planned, but then Dr. McKay turned right around saying what he needed was a bit further down that particular lane," Smith says. He must sense that John is about to berate them for letting him go, so he quickly continues. "Major Kersey gestured me to be his shadow, and when Dr. McKay turned around after maybe 10 meters and saw I was following him, he started protesting that he was able to shop without a bodyguard and generally tried to get me to go. I was having none of that and he quickly realized it, and then went about his business, only stopping at the shop he was looking for."

John is starting to think that going to the market and whatever Rodney bought was not something he needed for his job or even for himself. All evidence hints that Rodney was just trying to find a way to get the hell out of dodge without raising too much suspicion on Atlantis. But that doesn't tell John why, and maybe what Rodney bought is a clue.

"And? What was it?"

"He bought a knife with its sheath. Didn't even bargain with the weapon merchant, who knew him by the way," Sergeant Smith says.

Ronon perks up.

"Alorian?"

"Yes, that's what Dr. McKay called him," Smith confirms.

Alorian is a survivor from Sateda, and they meet him from time to time in the markets that move from planet to planet upon a schedule and itinerary that John has never grasped. He keeps quality equipment, but it's generally not something Rodney's interested in.

"That's weird," Ronon says. "My birthday is not even close."

There's no birthday soon, not Team anyway, and if Rodney buying a knife as a gift is imaginable, that he'd get one for himself seems ridiculous. On the other hand, Rodney stocking on ammo is even more far-fetched and he'd done it.

"Once he paid Alorian, Dr. McKay said he was done and we finally could go to the negotiation tents."

"But that's when he said he wanted to go back to Atlantis, since he was wasting his precious time," Lorne deduces.

"Yes. As I said over the comm. earlier, I never left him one second until we reached the gate. He didn't speak to anyone either. As soon as he got to the DHD he punched an address, then fiddled with his IDC, and went through the puddle."

"You assumed it was Atlantis," Zelenka speaks up.

"I had no reason to think otherwise," Smith says defensively.

"But you did not take notice of the symbols he pressed down," Zelenka asks.

"I was not looking, no. I was watching the perimeter, making sure that no one was in range to see the address McKay was punching, to be certain that Atlantis' addy is not diffused."

It's standard procedure, a procedure John has set up himself and insisted on again and again. It makes the fact that they have no clue what address Rodney has used even more frustrating. McKay certainly knows about perimeter watch, and has most probably used that knowledge to slip out. The only thing that is clear in the whole situation is that everything happened really fast, that Rodney obviously wanted out of Atlantis and that he has not told anyone the reason behind that choice.

"Well guys, it seems that Rodney tricked us all. And I want to know why," John says.

***

The more they talk in circles, the less John understands why Rodney has left without saying anything. It seems to originate from the Ancient machine with the warning, and the hour at which the message had been typed makes it the last thing Rodney worked on before leaving. For Rodney to go back to his room - even by transporter -, change, pack and be in the locker room in thirty minutes means that he had basically not lost a second.

"What did that computer tell you, Radek?" John asks.

"Rodney had been working on that Ancient machine for several days. There's data from testing, but from what I have gathered, this was not the only computer in the experiment."

John frowns.

"Meaning?"

"This computer was hooked to the Ancient machine and used for testing and basic simulations," Zelenka explains. "But a second computer was there too, there is evidence of a network and how the link was severed about at the time of the warning. I think the second computer was monitoring the way data flowed from the device to this one."

"Could it be the one Rodney was carrying in his backpack?" John asks.

Radek nods.

"Probably."

"Any idea what that Ancient machine does, yet? Is there need to have a contingency plan?" Woolsey asks. He's been mostly silent through the procedures, asking for details here and there.

Everyone that has been in Atlantis from the beginning or read the reports remembers the nanovirus when they lost Wagner, Dumais and Johnson; the exploding tumor device, too.

"If we stay out of the laboratory, I am sure it is safe. If I understand correctly the notes and data, the Ancient device can most probably read your mind," Zelenka explains.

"Come again?" John says, surprised.

"It could be possible that the machine literally reads the thoughts of the person it is connected to. Rodney seemed to be testing how to translate the impression the machine gathered from his head to be rendered in a digital form."

John didn't like the idea that a device could get in his head and see what's in there. He's always considered himself a very private person and having his thoughts read? No thank you.

"Does it work?" he asks warily.

"I cannot say for now. I need more time. But we know there is a strong mental component for a lot of technology here, and already it has access to your thoughts."

Funny how John had never seen it from that angle before. Atlantis has probably been reading all of their minds since they've gotten here. John wonders if she regrets opening up for them.

"So what is the difference with this machine, then?" Woolsey asks.

"You think of something, and it is processed by the Machine, and then appears on the computer."

Zelenka has several windows open and pulls a couple on to the projector.

"I went chronologically through the results, at least the ones in this computer."

The first image Zelenka shows them is so complex, it's useless. The second is a perfectly rendered 3D cube. Then an office chair, with labeled parts.

"After a false start, Rodney was testing the device with increasingly complex objects."

Zelenka goes through several files, and when John sees the puddle jumper, he has to take a breath. It's incredibly detailed, as much with the physical components as the systems making the jumper work, with various bubbles for auxiliary functions, but on the whole, remains extremely organized, with color codes. It's magnificent.

"That's how Rodney pictures it in his mind?" John says, awed.

"Yes," Zelenka says. "Rodney, he... he always brags at how much of a genius he is but this..."

Yeah. Well it sure proves that without a doubt. The sheer amount of detail is staggering, and how one person can remember all of it is in itself a feat.

"From here, there's a couple of tries at concepts," Zelenka says, showing pages of equations, going from basic theorem proofs to increasingly difficult math. If the writing is jumbled at first, the more they scroll in the file, the clearer it becomes.

"No wonder he was so bouncy. If he could get at ease enough with the machine to have it transcribe automatically what's in his head..." John says.

"Yes, exactly. I am surprised he even left it to go to sleep. The last known file on this computer dates from yesterday morning, 30 minutes before noon."

Just before lunch, and he'd gone to the mess for coffee, at least.

"Nothing after that?" John asks.

Zelenka shakes his head.

"No. Only the message at one o'clock."

"It doesn't tell us anything," John says, frustrated. Nothing on why Rodney ran away from it.

"I agree. I will try to find the machine in the database," Zelenka says.

"What? You mean that no one is on this already?"

Zelenka has an half smile.

"Of course there is, I have five people searching. I will be in contact if we find anything."

"Thanks Dr. Z," John says.

After a comforting pat on John's arm, Zelenka starts typing on the laptop and John looks at the people around the table he calls friends. Who are Rodney's friends, too, and surely want him to come back as much as he does.

"Anyone have a theory on what's going on?" John asks the room at large.

"I believe that Rodney would only leave like this if he was convinced it was for the best of Atlantis," Teyla says.

John agrees with her.

"I think so, too, but why? And how do we find him?" John says.

"He would not have chanced a random address, out of YY7-636," Ronon says. "There would be a chance he could end up going through a space gate."

Very true, and John nods at Ronon. At last some information that can be used.

"Good call. Lorne, I want to have a list of all the planets we've made contact with since we've gotten to Pegasus, with a basic description. Highlight each ones where Rodney has gone himself on missions, with SGA-1 or otherwise. We'll set up search teams after that," John says.

"Yes Sir," Lorne says.

There are a lot of things to set up before search teams can go out, though. He'd better get on that.

"Anything else to add?" John asks.

Woolsey seems about to say something but stays silent. Since no one else pipes up, Jon stands up.

"Dismissed everyone," John says. "Go eat, rest a bit, and if you have an idea or find out something, call me immediately."

As one by one they leave the room, John rubs a hand over his face. His head is pounding with one hell of a headache, as if John needs that on top. He checks his watch, sees it's already 1900, and wonders for the thousandth time where the hell Rodney is and if he's okay. John sure hopes he is, and if they're lucky he'll be back with a perfectly logical explanation real soon.

***

John was going to get something to eat, but got distracted turning everything over. He ends up at Rodney's door without any conscious decision to go there at all. He blinks and decides to go in: maybe he'll find a hint. Atlantis once more obliges and opens the door without a fuss.

Earlier when he'd come to check if Rodney was in his room, the only thing John had noticed was that he wasn't and the way the room looked had barely registered. Rodney's room is never particularly tidy, especially when he's on a binge, so John hadn't really stopped to observe. Now that he does look more closely, he can see that there are definitely signs of Rodney having rapidly packed, drawers still half opened and clothes a bit all over the place. The biggest mess is the bed, where there are more clothes, but even more interesting are several wires and random diagnostic equipment. It's stuff Rodney usually takes off-world, so John figures that what's on the bed has been discarded from the backpack to make more space for whatever Rodney thought he'd need. _Like ammo,_ a little voice nags.

John checks the top drawer of Rodney's work desk, and he doesn't know if he's relieved or worried when he sees that ALL of the Epipens are gone. Rodney usually keeps something like six of them in there. Shit. That could mean Rodney had thought he'd be away for a while. _Or that or he was planning to go to a planet full of bees,_ the stupid little voice says again, completely unhelpful. There are no powerbars in sight either, so they must have been packed too. The desk itself is stacked with journals, various printouts and sheets scribbled with Rodney's blocky writing, but at first glance there's no message, no note on how there was an emergency, nothing explaining why he was about to run out of Atlantis.

A laptop, one of the old-ish ones, is on the desk but John knows it's the entertainment one, with games, movies and music. Just to be thorough John opens it - he knows the password since they often watch movies on it - but there's no screen waiting especially for him either. John realizes that he's especially bummed at that, as if until he didn't find a note, his subconscious had been sure that Rodney would have took the time to at least tell _him_ what was going on.

Rodney must have known he'd worry and that John would want to know what happened at all cost, so... taken by a sudden inspiration, John frantically clicks on the email system, but he's in for another disappointment when there are no relevant messages in Rodney's email. The last one was sent to Kavanagh just before lunch the day before, and if it's mightily entertaining in the insult department, it's just business as usual. Rodney even said he'd see Kavanagh later in the day to tell him just how wrong he was, _again_. Further proof that he had not planned his little dash and disappear act more than minutes before it happened. Just to be sure John logs in with his own account to find a slew of emails but none from Rodney.

With a sigh, John sags in the chair and looks at the ceiling, wondering what he should check next. The problem is that he has no idea. Through the control chair, Atlantis had been really clear that Rodney was not anywhere in the city itself, and he's definitely not on YY7-636 anymore. That means that there's a whole galaxy to search now, and just the thought makes him dizzy.

But John will find Rodney, or he'll come back. There are no other alternatives.

***

Woolsey agrees that a missing Chief Scientist is a bad thing, and that search parties to try and find Rodney have to be set up. John doesn't manage to eat much, even less to sleep that night, and right now he's revising the list of planets they've visited since they came to Pegasus. Four teams were given the green light for the search, which had been a frustrating compromise between John's suggestion of six - they had the personnel, and there were no other crises or critical missions ongoing - versus the two Woolsey thought would be enough. The mere fact that he had had to negotiate with Woolsey on the matter had raised John's hackles, and he's in a bad mood. It makes going over the roster for each team and their designated list of planets with Woolsey a bit tense.

"Each team will radio Atlantis every three hours at most for status reports, directly to Lorne and the coordination unit he’s set up. I will check in every ninety minutes myself," John explains. He has a series of planets to explore with his own team, but will go check out the most promising info when it arises.

"For how long?" Woolsey asks, looking at John seriously. "I understand that we must cover as much ground as possible, but each list counts fifteen planets, and you say that is just a start."

The answer to that is obvious.

"As long as it takes," John says, leaning on the table towards Woolsey.

Woolsey presses his hand over his mouth.

"I understand that you want to find Dr. McKay, Colonel," Woolsey says, "we all do. Let's see what we can gather in three days, and evaluate."

It's like the man is suddenly speaking Chinese.

"Three days?" John must not have heard that right. "That's it? Rodney is only worth three days of effort?" he adds, and his voice is rising now. This is ridiculous.

"I never said that. I said let's go with a wide search for three days, and then see what we have. We need to keep Atlantis running..." Woolsey says, calm and collected.

"Atlantis needs Rodney, we need Rodney!" John interjects over Woolsey, his voice low and strained, but that doesn't stop Woolsey.

"And I agree with you. But let's do this methodically and rationally. Is that possible Colonel Sheppard?" he asks, casually.

Oh, that's a low blow; John feels his blood run cold with retained fury.

"Are you implying that I can't do my job properly?" John says, icily.

Woolsey sighs, and for a moment he looks at John with so much sympathy under his resolve that it feels a bit too much like pity.

"Of course not, John," he says, sitting back. "I know you're very close to Dr. McKay, and this must be really difficult for you and your team. I understand that. I'm just here to say the things no one wants to hear but that have to be said."

John looks to the side, his anger still strong, but Woolsey does have a point even if John doesn't want to hear it. At the same time he's totally wrong.

"I would do exactly the same for anyone on this expedition. I did it for Ford," John says. For whatever good it had given, too. But he didn't want to think about that.

"I know. I wish you luck, let's hope we bring Rodney home safe and sound ASAP," Woolsey says.

This is the good thing to say right now, at least. John sighs.

"Yes. Thank you."

Three days. They will find him.

****

To complete his team, John decides to bring Zelenka. It's in part because he wants to piss off Woolsey, but Zelenka seemed antsy to do something himself. Further studies of the laptop (and examination of the database) have not given any more clues on why the Ancient machine is so dangerous that Rodney had to go. Usually Zelenka doesn't like to go off world, is even more skittish than Rodney had been when they got in Pegasus, but now he just wants to get going. The lab personnel has sworn to be good, and meanwhile Miko will supervise. It will be a test of her character, too, Zelenka had told John, since he's considering delegating her more supervision soon.

So after checking with Lorne every detail about the coordination personnel on Atlantis who'll cross reference any info gathered, John sends out the 3 other teams with their respective planet list to investigate. John made his Team's list of planets with some of the most promising - friendly, that Rodney had been on himself, no mission gone bad at the time - that had, as far as he remembered, landscape that would permit them to save time traveling with the jumper. Woolsey is in the gate room when they leave and nods gravely at John.

On the other side of the wormhole, John cloaks and takes a bit of altitude before turning in his seat.

"First things first, let's check if we can detect McKay's subcutaneous transmitter," he asks.

Zelenka nods, then after a minute shakes his head.

"Nothing into range."

Of course, it would have been too easy and John never thought they'd be so lucky.

"He could have taken it out," Ronon says.

John raises his eyebrows.

"McKay playing in his own arm with a knife?" John asks. It's a bit far fetched.

"He did buy a knife. And he could have asked someone else to do it," Ronon counters.

John sighs. He hopes that not the case, because it would make Rodney that much harder to find.

"But we can still ask if he has been on this planet in the last few days. Surely a man like Rodney will not have been inconspicuous, at least not for a whole day," Teyla adds.

"Okay, let's go, then," John says. He flies to the first village near the gate, and sets down the puddle jumper where it should not gather to much attention.

Armed with a short vid of McKay on Zelenka's tablet, caught au naturel gesticulating at someone while talking, they start their quest for Rodney.

***

It's been two days, searching methodically eight planets so far where SGA-1 is concerned, thirty two total, and John has gone from cautiously optimist to totally on edge. He's been checking with Lorne almost on the dot every 90 minutes and so far there have been no concrete leads on Rodney's whereabouts. It's like he went through the wormhole and vanished into thin air. It's actually pretty impressive. Of course, they visited a lot of planets since they had made it to Pegasus, and they aren't even sure that Rodney has decided to limit himself to those. John is fairly sure that Rodney must have a file on his computer with a list of addresses of potentially interesting planets to explore.

After a couple of planets, the Team has gotten into a groove. John and Teyla visit the village leaders to make their quest official, while Ronon and Radek go see the merchants and taverns. The reactions vary from indifference to sympathy and they leave each time asking that if anyone hears something, or sees Rodney, to contact Tso who set an information relay camp in the village of Oriaje of P4E-472 for that purpose alone. The safety of Atlantis still comes first, and they cannot afford to tell their address to everyone.

John walks briskly through the woods with Teyla towards the castle and he can't say that he's particularly looking forward to see Queen Harmony again. On the other hand, she seems delighted to see him and basically flings herself in his arms, with a delighted squeal.

"Colonel Sheppard!" she says, grinning, then seems to remember proper Queen etiquette, and steps back and curtsies.

It's been two years since she's been crowned, but she's still only fifteen and John can't help but feel a little sad that she never could be a kid. But at fifteen in Pegasus, you're practically all grown up and she's turning into a beautiful young woman. Harmony exchanges a courteous nod with Teyla.

"Miss Emmagan, it's a joy to see you again," she says, easy and poised.

"All the pleasure is mine, your Highness," Teyla says, smiling back.

Harmony then frowns, looking towards the door.

"But Doctor McKay, he is not with you?" she says, sounding disappointed.

John has to refrain a sigh, since that means she has not heard about Rodney being on her planet, then. He forces a smile.

"No, my Queen, and it's why we're visiting. I understand you haven’t seen Rodney lately?" he asks.

"Not since the last time he came to examine the mini-drones, which has been too long ago." Harmony says, looking at John with narrowed eyes. "You are searching for Dr. McKay?"

"Yes, your Highness," Teyla says. "We're visiting planets we know he favors in hope of finding him."

It's definitely a good way to present their problem because it makes Harmony smile - she still hasn't gotten over her infatuation with McKay, John kept ribbing him about it - but then she becomes thoughtful. Her eyes go round, alarmed.

"Has he been kidnapped by a villain? Captured and sold for slavery? And when you got to his keeper he had, of course, used his staggering intelligence to escape but is now amnesic, trying to survive? Or he's..."

Whoa, that's some imagination, and John has to refrain from letting his bewilderment show on his face. He coughs to snap Harmony out of her romance novel plot and when she turns to him he explains.

"No, nothing like that. He left our world four days ago, without saying where he was going. He hasn't come back yet, so we're trying to find him."

"He left? Just got up and left?" Harmony says.

John grits his teeth.

"Yes."

She points an angry finger at John.

"Oh, that's surely all your fault, Colonel Sheppard. You always mock him and taunt him. He must have been hurt one time too many," Harmony says, all but vibrating in outrage on Rodney's behalf.

"Hey!" John says, defensive. That's not fair. "I don't do that; it's the way we are. We're friends, best friends. And he gives as much as he gets, if not more."

Harmony crosses her arms over her chest and glowers.

"You do not realize how sensitive Dr. McKay is, under the bluster. He's a gentle soul."

It takes all that John's got not to roll his eyes. He _knows_ Rodney is affected by what is said about him way more that he wants everyone to believe. Everything shows up on his face, it's not like it's hard to read. But John doesn't try to hurt him, and if he ever did, it was unintentional.

"Okay, yes, I'll give you that. But are you sure you haven't seen him?" John asks.

Rodney can have asked for secrecy and Harmony, smitten as she is, maybe agreed. He'll probably ask questions to the castle's staff later, with the promise of money, just to narrow the searches or get a frigging clue. Sighing dramatically, Harmony slumps on her throne.

"No, I haven't seen him nor heard of him," Harmony says, before slanting a look at John below her eyelashes. "I'm sure that he would have loved to visit me, well us, more often but he was rescheduled by some other people," she adds.

John's going to throw his hands in the air in frustration real soon. He schools his face as neutral as he can, then steps towards the young girl. He stops when the hulking body guards seem about to step out and come for help.

"Okay. Look, Harmony, there's nothing I'd like more than finding Rodney right now. If I could drag him over here? I would. But cut the attitude," John says.

John's used to the fact that people recoil at this kind of looming, but Harmony just looks at him thoughtfully.

"I believe you. How can I help? If I hear anything at all about Dr. McKay, what should I do?" she asks.

John explains their methods of communication to Tso on P4E-472 for data gathering to Harmony, who seems serious about it. More eyes looking out are good; it means it increases the chances of learning something.

\---

"Do you think I tease Rodney too much?" John asks Teyla, as they're making their way back to the jumper.

Teyla slants a look at him, and then shakes her head.

"I do not believe he minds, John. It relaxes him, the familiarity of it."

"It's not like he doesn't insult me right back," John says.

"And you enjoy it," Teyla teases.

John smiles, wistful.

"Yeah. He's one of a kind."

"That is for sure. I believe he will be right back with us where he belongs very shortly," Teyla says, putting her hand briefly on John's arm.

"I'm worried. Rodney, alone, out there..." John says. It's a given that everyone who knows John even a little bit is aware that he's not taking this well, but saying it aloud is kind of big for him.

"We are all worried. But Rodney is very resourceful. Do not underestimate him," Teyla reasons.

That's true, too. Put Rodney with a tough problem and he does his best work. John nods, and spots Ronon, leaning on the Jumper. He looks up and when John tilts his head in question, Ronon shakes his before entering the jumper. Another dud, then.

It's time to call Atlantis for a status report; maybe someone has been luckier elsewhere.

He hopes.

***

They had their three whole days searching with four teams, but it gave absolutely nothing at all, not even the hint of a clue. John is barely sleeping anymore, grabbing twenty minutes here and there out of sheer exhaustion and not always on his bed. He has to force himself to act as normal as possible and to not snap at anyone, especially when they come to him with nothing he wants to hear. The morning of the fourth day, John has already drained his third cup of coffee in order to have a simulacrum of brain function at the meeting in Woolsey's office.

Lorne passes around a listing of the planets considered, the ones visited crossed with the name of the team that went to it beside. The number of planets is slowly coming down, but not fast enough to John's liking. Lorne does a succinct but clear report: they have fuck all. Zelenka doesn't have much more on the alien device, since it's hard to do tests without going close to it, as it's still heavily quarantined. On the other hand, Forsberg has carefully studied the gate room footage and is now pausing and zooming on McKay's forearm.

"I was about to fall asleep yesterday, looking at this footage again, when a flare in the camera caught my attention. It's right about here," Forsberg says, before slowing the images until it advances frame by frame.

There is indeed a small flare and it seems to be from Rodney's left arm.

"His watch," John says, shrugging it off.

"That's what I thought too, until I got here," Forsberg says, and right on cue, there's two different flares. He rewinds, then pauses right on that moment, then zoom the image.

The footage is extremely grainy at that level of close up, and John squints, wishing his head would stop pounding for a minute. One of the flares does seem to come from the watch, but the other one comes from a thin metallic object right next to it.

"A bracelet?" Woolsey asks. "How is it relevant?"

But Zelenka is shaking his head.

"No, it is not a bracelet," he sounds so sure.

"Maybe he just got it," John says, but at the same time he wonders who'd give Rodney a bracelet, since he's not seeing anyone at the moment.

"Impossible," Zelenka adds. "Pass the footage again."

While Forsberg puts the whole gate room sequence at the start, Woolsey looks confused.

"And why would you say that, Doctor Zelenka?"

It suddenly dawns for John, and he looks more closely at the sequence, too. He answers Woolsey himself.

"Safety. No jewelry when playing with machinery. The only thing Rodney wears is his damn watch with the zillion and one alarms set up on it."

But if it's something other than his watch, what could it be? Rodney's wearing long sleeves but definitely looking at his watch a lot. Unless he's not looking at his watch at all. Rodney grows more agitated by the minute, until they go off-world.

Major Kersey is there, and he's tilting his head at the screen.

"Doctor McKay did look at his watch, or at this bracelet, right after we stepped off on YY7-636", he says.

"And?" John can't believe he has to ask for elaboration.

"He sighed deeply. At the time I thought it was in exasperation, but now that I think of it, it could have been relief," Kersey says.

"If I am not mistaken, I would say that the bracelet is made of the same material that composes the protuberance of the machine we found in the lab," Zelenka muses.

John remembers vaguely wires everywhere, shiny and with no apparent purpose. So what happened? It's all conjectures, but something gets attached to Rodney, he figures he's compromised, feels the need to get out of Atlantis ASAP... Plausible but why didn't he say anything to anyone? That's what John wants to know. Needs to know. Rodney just left, like that, and it doesn't make any sense.

"Okay, thanks for the info Forsberg. Zelenka, I want you to really isolate that machine, no more poking at it when you think I won't know about it," John says. It's a long shot, but the way Zelenka blushes and looks to the side lets John know he hit the bulls-eye. John can't get it in him to be mad though, they all want to know what happened. "So what are the planets that didn't get explored on the original list?"

Lorne is about to answer when he's cut out by Woolsey.

"Before we discuss what is coming next, I suggest we take a pause," he says, but his smile is forced and John has a bad feeling about what is to come. It's like Woolsey said the magic words, though, because everyone is getting up and stretching, some probably dashing to the mess hall to get some coffee. John crosses his arms, staying in place.

Woolsey meets his gaze full on. As soon as they're alone in the room, he says:

"We have to scale down the search, Colonel."

John knew that was coming. He has to take a deep breath before he answers, so he doesn't get in Woolsey's sneaky little face.

"No," John says.

With a sigh that sounds as if he was expecting just as much from him, Woolsey then tries the gentle approach.

"John..."

John springs up from his seat, gets as close and looming as he wants to be.

"Richard," he parrots, icy cold. "It's very simple: we keep looking."

Unfortunately, Woolsey got tougher over the years, and he doesn't look impressed at all. All on the contrary, he sounds steely and determined.

"I am saying that we cannot scatter our best elements all over the galaxy forever, Colonel!" Woolsey hisses.

"It's only been three days! Come on!" John says, throwing his arms in the air.

"You know as well as I do that the search could be totally futile. Obviously, Dr. McKay had a good reason to leave. When he can, he'll come back," Woolsey says, unmoved.

It's not like John didn't hope for that to happen, but what if it's not enough? What if Rodney has been hurt, that this bracelet has incapacitated him in some way?

"I want the search teams as they are for another four days. A week, total." John can't believe he has to negotiate this.

It doesn't seem to please Woolsey, but he nods.

"Agreed. But I will scale the search down if we get to that limit, Colonel. And I want your word you won't fight me on this."

It doesn't please John at all, but he knows that he has to make some concessions.

"Fine. We'll scale it down then," John agrees. He'll fight teeth and nails so it's not too much of a drop though, but he stays hush on that. "But ‘til we get there, we do this my way."

John really wishes he could slam the door as he leaves. It does swish closed extra fast, though. He hopes it's in Woolsey's face.

***

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

The week ends with absolutely no progress. Four teams drop to two, of course John's being one of them, but he has to leave Zelenka in Atlantis, which annoys him to no end. Simpson knows what she's doing, though, so he can't complain too much. John knows that soon he'll have no argument to continue the search, except from asking for Rodney on every planet they visit on missions, so he ups the tempo on the searches while he can. They leave Atlantis at 0600 every morning and are rarely back before 2200, empty handed and frustrated. They operate like a well oiled machine, question key members of the community, barely go through the basic acts of politeness specific to the culture they visit, and when it's clear that's its another dud, they leave for the next address on the list.

One night, John realizes he barely said a dozen words all day unless it was interrogations. Ronon and Teyla give him space, which he needs, and Simpson knows better than to start inane chatter with him. In fact, most of Atlantis' personnel give him a wide berth if they can these days. John knows he's cranky, but he's not sleeping well and the few times he does sleep for a bit more he wakes up gasping from nightmares he doesn't remember. His appetite is shot to hell, too. He considered going to Keller to get some pills, but he's afraid she'll take one look at him and send him to the shrink, or worse, ground him. He’s barely slept four hours at night for the last three days and when he staggers back to his quarters that night, head pounding, he's so weary he just want to lay down and never move again. John hopes he's going to pass out from exhaustion, and that it will be enough not to dream.

John's stripping off his shirt and toeing his boots on auto-pilot when he blinks at the bed, wondering why there's so much stuff on it. Stuff preventing him from facepalming right there and then. It takes way too long for his brain to process that it's not his bed at all. Somehow, he ended up in Rodney's room. He has no idea why, it was not conscious at all, but to be faced with Rodney's things, so familiar for the hundreds of times when he’s come over to play computer games or watch a movie is like a punch to John's gut. He sits down heavily on the bed, fully intending to put his boots back on, but then he just stays there, elbows on his thighs, face in his hands, focusing on breathing because he's so tired he's afraid his brain might forget the basics. After a minute, the mere idea of reaching for the boots, putting them on and then _walking_ to his room seems overwhelming. Instead he pushes stuff further down the bed, lifts the covers and slips in.

He's out like a light as soon as his head hits the pillow.

***

The alarm on his watch wakes John up and he stretches, brain foggy with sleep. It would be good, so good, to just turn around and let everything fall away for a little bit more. He's comfortable, warm, and maybe he could get away with it. As awareness comes creeping back, though, little details are off. The bed, for one, is hard and definitely long enough to stretch on, which is a luxury. It all clicks into place, then: Rodney's room, Rodney's _bed_ and John feels a freak out coming on, fast. Not because he fell asleep in Rodney's room, he was exhausted enough to fall asleep anywhere quiet, but what makes alarm bells go off in John's brain is that for the first time in weeks he slept well. John knows, deep in his chest, that it's because he was surrounded by Rodney's smell on the pillow case, in his sheets.

This is huge. This is not "I miss my best friend/teammate" behavior. Or more specifically it's exactly that, with a hearty side of "look at that, I might have _feelings_ for my best friend/teammate" behavior. And where did that come from? They're friends, close too, more than John ever let happen in so long, he'll agree to that. They do spend a lot of time together, have a nice banter going on, and he enjoys it. And yes, he misses Rodney like a phantom limb right now. But from there to want to burrow in Rodney's bed for the foreseeable future because it smells like him is a whole different story.

Of course, John has noticed that Rodney's not bad looking at all, in the objective way that he checks out everyone he meets. Piercing blue eyes, wide shoulders, that special McKay spark that comes from being so brilliant and snarky; John's not even surprised that Rodney, with all of his astringent personality, managed to have two somewhat serious girlfriends on Atlantis while John never got past a couple of nights. Not that he ever pursued anything more.

So okay, Rodney's attractive, but John's convinced he never thought about him, at least consciously, in a physical way before. In fact, John's sole homosexual baggage consists of a couple of hurried handjobs in summer camp when he was fourteen. It had been thrilling at the time but then life went back to normal, school and girls and after a while John had chalked it up to experimentation. Over the years he'd felt some sort of attraction to nice looking guys a couple of times, but had never acted on it, as the risk at the time far outweighed his curiosity.

John's absolutely certain that he feels more for Rodney than love for a friend, or even family. But he's not even sure that he wants Rodney, that he'd want to have sex with him. He tries to picture it, wonders if he'd want to get touched and the sudden flash of Rodney's big square hand closing around his cock makes him hard so fast there's no way to deny that he's attracted to Rodney anymore. Shit, he's totally screwed. Groaning, John mashes his face in Rodney's pillow and tries to think of anything else, but other images come to him, Rodney on his knees before him, looking up as he sucks him in and fuck, John shoves a hand in his pants and he's jerking off with no finesse, hard and punishing and barely five strokes later he's coming, curling on himself with the intensity of it. Panting as his heartbeat comes back to normal, John is kind of shocked at what just happened. Okay, so it answers the question: he'd totally be up for sex with Rodney.

But then again, for that to happen, Rodney would need to be interested back, and yeah, little chance of that. Sighing, John just hits his head on the bed a couple of times.

 _Way to make your life even more complicated, Sheppard,_ he thinks to himself.

***

 

After three weeks, they stop the systematic every day search. For the next two, John fights with Woolsey almost non-stop, finding the most inane things to snarl over. Even Lorne's keeping his distance by now, and the only ones who seem to be - still - seeking his company are Teyla, Ronon and Zelenka. John doesn't know why they bother because he's definitely acting like an asshole most of the time. He hasn't gone back to Rodney's room, and he won't either it because it's creepy to sleep and then get off in your missing best friend's bed.

It's quite incredible that they didn't manage to find any info at all on Rodney. In the middle of running Atlantis and the regular contact missions, John still devotes a couple of hours a day to the search, going over reports and the database of planets they have, although he manages only occasionally to go out himself in the field. The few rumors they had were just that, a sighting that after investigation was months old, or someone who'd heard about the search and tried to sell them false info. When he stepped out of YY7-636, Rodney all but dematerialized and didn't show up anywhere else. John had Zelenka check one more time if there had not been a solar flare, or any gate dysfunction, but there was no evidence of it at all. Carter even came as a consultant, through the gate, and it soothes John's nerves a little that the SGC authorities find it as important as he does to find Rodney. She left without it giving anything new, though.

It's been five weeks and John knows that Woolsey will look the other way at the searches he's doing now for a little while, but every instinct in John demands that he does more. When Ford had left Atlantis, they had looked for a while too, and it was not enough. John doesn't want to make the same mistake twice. And this is for Rodney, and Atlantis needs him. They're lucky there hasn't been a life or death situation since he left, or at least nothing that Zelenka could not handle. But it will come, and then they'll need Rodney. John admits it to himself that he needs Rodney to come back, too; he can't go on like he's doing now, with a couple of hours of sleep a night and unable to concentrate on his job.

He overheard once, as he entered the locker room, a marine telling another that it was unlikely McKay would have made it on his own that long in Pegasus. John had just stood there, frozen, and when the guy had looked up and saw him, there must have been something in the way John looked because he turned white and scared. John then proceeded to tell him just exactly who he was talking about, and all the ways he was wrong, so very wrong. It wasn’t just words: John is convinced that Rodney is still out there, alive and kicking.

Anyway, the alternative is inconceivable.

***

John stays in his chair once the weekly staff meeting is over and he realizes he doesn't remember half of what was said. Woolsey, who's the last in the room with him, throws him an assessing look.

"How are you doing, John?"

Woolsey's not a bad guy most of the time. John sighs deeply.

"I'm tired," he admits.

"Maybe..." Woolsey starts, but John interrupts him. He's thought about what to do next, considered all of his options, and this one seems the best.

"I need some vacation time," John says.

Woolsey looks surprised, but schools his face pretty fast after that and nods.

"It's been a tough time, it could be an idea. The Daedalus..."

The Daedalus is expected in a couple of days and will leave in two weeks towards Earth. John knows that.

"Yes. I've been piling up vacation days for a while now," John says. It's true, they never have any _time_ to take them.

Head tilting to the side, Woolsey considers him.

"How long are you thinking of?"

"A month," John says, definitive. He knows that Woolsey won't want to see him leave that long, plus the Daedalus runs. "A month, total," John clarifies. "I don't want to go back to Earth."

Woolsey's not stupid.

"You don't want a vacation, you want to go look for Dr. McKay," he says.

There's no reason to deny it. John shrugs.

"Yeah. I need to get out of here," John says. He feels like Atlantis is oppressing lately, as if she senses he's unhappy and tries too hard. "It will give everyone a breather, and we'll avoid a mutiny."

"It won't be a vacation. You need to rest, John."

"I'll rest when he's back." John declares.

Woolsey turns and John knows that it's because he doesn't want John to see the pity. But to be honest, John doesn't care all that much anymore if he appears pathetic.

"I guess we could live without one of the puddle jumpers for a month," Woolsey says, fiddling with his tablet, as if musing out loud.

The unexpected offer makes John's jaw drop. Woolsey turns and catches his expression, and has a rueful smile.

"I do care, Colonel. Believe me," he says.

"Thank you," John says, heartfelt. He hadn't counted on that, it will make his life way easier. "I'll check with Lorne and I'll leave tomorrow. If it's okay, I'll check in every day."

For leads. In case he's back. To see if you guys are okay, he doesn't have to say. Woolsey nods.

"Yes, best of luck, Colonel. I hope you bring him home."

John does too.

***

John tosses his duffel in the jumper next to a couple of crates of MREs, and goes back to the armory to get a bit of ammo when he finds Ronon filling a bag with enough explosive to put a small moon off course. He raises his eyebrows.

"Planning fireworks, buddy?" John asks him.

"You never know what could be useful," Ronon says with a shrug. He straightens up, slings the bag over his shoulder and looks at John expectantly. "Are we going or what?"

John had said he was taking some time off - no one had been fooled - but he didn't expect anyone to come with him.

"I'm doing this on my own, pal," John says. There is no need to drag anyone into his obsessive compulsive search.

"No you're not," Ronon says, as if it's obvious.

"You don't need..." John starts.

"Don't be stupid, Sheppard. Let's go," Ronon says, passing near him and going for the door, as if John has nothing to say to that. And he guesses he doesn't.

John grabs a Wraith stunner and a couple of clips for his gun and sighs, before following him. In the jumper bay, he sees that Zelenka, Woolsey, Carson, Lorne and Teyla came to see him go.

They look a little quiet, watching him approach. John musters a smile.

"Hey guys, stop looking as if I'm going to my death or something. It's just a little vacation, exploring the Pegasus galaxy," he says, smirking.

"Looking for Rodney," Zelenka adds. He doesn't look like he disapproves, but as if he's worried about John. In fact they all look worried about him, that's why they are his friends. His family. He does appreciate it, even if it's smothering at times. John's always been a loner, before.

"That too, while I'm there," John finally says with a nod. He exchanges a glance with Woolsey who nods back.

"We all hope you can find something," Woolsey says.

"But you really need to rest a bit, lad," Carson says. He's always been a worrier.

The thing is that John won't have a choice to take it slow, he _is_ pretty exhausted. He just doesn't want to have to worry about running Atlantis while he looks for Rodney, it will be easier that way. John smiles at Carson.

"I'll take it easy, I promise," John says.

"I'll make sure of it," Ronon adds, loading his backpack after having secured the explosives under the jumper's benches.

"See?" John drawls, exaggerating his cool, "if I overdo it, he'll sit on me or something."

"I'll make sure the gate room technicians always have the latest status report on Atlantis and the search, Sir," Lorne says. And he will, he's dependable like that. John shakes his second's hand. He's damn lucky to have someone like him he can trust to make things run smoothly while he's gone.

"Thanks. The place is safe with you. I'll check in often," John says.

He was expecting something like this could happen, so John tries not to be too stiff when Teyla hugs him. In fact, he hugs her back, trying to leech in a bit of her Zen. They part, after doing the Athosian salute.

"Be safe, John," she says, serious and solemn.

"I will," he swears.

Suddenly, John finds himself with an armful of tiny Czech, which throws him off a little. It's mercifully quick, though, but fierce and completed by pats on the back.

"Bring him home. Tell him I am tired of doing his job on top of mine," Zelenka says, voice lower than normal, before he dashes out of the jumper bay, muttering under his breath.

John watches Radek go, a bit stunned, and then starts backing into the jumper, hoping no one else is planning surprise hugs. It's time to get out of here.

"Okay, well, bye gang. See you."

He closes the door on their goodbyes and goes to sit in the pilot chair, under Ronon's scrutiny. John is touched that so many people care about him, but it's a bit overwhelming. He looks back at Ronon, who of course doesn't offer what is on his mind. They end up looking at each other for a minute, and John's the first to break, looking at the commands, bringing up the first address he has on his new list.

"Let's do this," John says.

***

As he promised Carson, John searches but it's not the frantic pace that he had set up before. Most days they only visit one planet, getting the interrogation done in the morning, then just looking around for a while. John always asks questions just before leaving, too, usually the next morning, in the off chance that someone will have remembered something after talking to them. No one ever does.

On the planets they visit, they run into very little trouble and frankly John sees wonders: breathtaking mountains and gorgeous scenery, oceans with waves to die for, animals so exotic he just looks at them in awe. Too bad he can't appreciate it, not fully. But slowly, paced down by Ronon's quiet presence by his side, John gets a bit of his equilibrium back. He's not as enraged every minute anymore.

Two weeks in, on a planet that's full of fireflies, John's poking despondently at the logs in their campfire with a stick.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

The low rumble of Ronon's voice startles John out of his fascination with the sparks, and his heart speeds up. He shakes his head.

"No," John says. It would probably help, but he can't. "Maybe another time." It's his way to say thank you for caring.

After that, Ronon gets in the habit of asking the same question every day, although never at the same time, so John can't prepare for it. It's sneaky, because John thinks about it, now, about spilling his guts, or at least voicing his worries. Ronon's way more tactful and sensitive than people give him credit for.

So Ronon asks, and John shakes him off, but it's more and more difficult.

***

It's mid afternoon, and the sun is harsh while they paddle on the otherwise still lake. Ronon has managed to barter the use of what amounts to be a two-man kayak to go check out a small island covered with too much forest to land the jumper. On it there are ruins of a tower similar to a lighthouse that was clearly built by the ancients. Even on vacation, if there's a chance to find a ZPM, they're going to have a look.

John's paddling in front and he can feel Ronon's eyes on the back of his head. He fidgets, knowing that Ronon could ask again real soon and John has no defense today, not hammered like this in the sun. His sunglasses are not even dark enough to protect his eyes properly. John speaks first.

"Do _you_ wanna talk about it?" John says, and he feels like an asshole not having asked before. Way to be self-involved.

"I miss him," Ronon says, easy.

John nods and sighs. Maybe it's that simple.

"Yeah. Yeah, me too," he admits. "I didn't realize..." and that's where the words dry up, his throat closing around them.

"It's like the noise level on Atlantis dropped by half," Ronon says and John snorts. "Doesn't feel right."

Maybe it's because John's not expected to look back at Ronon, as he's paddling for the island, but it makes it easier somehow to admit it too.

"No, it doesn't. I don't feel right," John says. There. He doesn't feel right at all.

"S'normal, you love him," Ronon says and John’s easy elliptic movement with the oar is derailed for a second, before he remembers to breathe.

"Yeah," John whispers after a couple of strokes. Admitting this in the light of day, out loud, is huge. But it's Ronon, and he trusts him. "I didn't even know, before he left."

The sound of Ronon's paddle in the water is steady like a metronome.

"Now you do," he says.

John sighs. Yes he does.

***

John's new Zen is shattered to tiny pieces three days later when they barely escape being mauled by bears, or some beast close enough to call it that. Once safe in the jumper, John's high on adrenaline and fear, and he starts kicking almost empty crates and he punches the jumper's wall, only succeeding in making his hand throb. Ronon's quiet in the front, sitting down in his seat and not even looking at him, waiting for John to get his control back. John almost wishes for an ill timed remark, anything, so it would justify a punch, start a fight. But no, this is fucking Ronon, who's way too good at this, at handling him. John's blood is running hot in his veins and he wants to hurt and not just inside. Maybe another kind of pain would numb everything enough so he could fucking breathe normally.

John goes to sit in his seat and starts the pre-flight check up. He considers for a moment using a drone on the sorta-bears that are just there, in the clearing before them, looking at the puddle jumper with curiosity. He wants to pulverize them. At last, Ronon looks at him, and there's the hint of a quirk to his lips; it's enough.

"What? You find this funny? What the fuck is your problem?" John hisses.  
That grants him the eyebrow raise.

"You want me to beat you up, don't you?" Ronon asks, nonchalant.

Way, way too perceptive, that kid. John scowls and makes the jumper take off instead, and flies almost straight up, then drops it in a controlled spiral straight down. The ground is rushing towards them fast, and John pulls up towards the sky at the last second, before diving again. The inertial dampeners take away most of the sensation but it's still acrobatics with a ship he controls with his _mind_ , and after ten minutes of it John feels way better, calmer and focused. It's only when he's back to flying in a straight line that John looks at Ronon, who is unusually pale. Ha. Take that, smartass.

"Should have beaten you up," Ronon says, swallowing hard.

It startles a laugh out of John.

"Maybe," John admits, and he open and closes the hand that is still throbbing. It's probably better this way, just the hand.

"McKay's okay," Ronon says.

"You don't know that," John says. "He maybe came face to face with bears, too, but had no jumper to hide in." That's what had enraged him so much. The reminder that this fucking galaxy always throws you a curve ball when you least expect it.

"He's smart, and he can take care of himself."

That makes John shakes his head.

"Rodney? He's too distracted, he'd get ambushed," John argues.

"That's when he relies on us to check out for him. He's tougher than you think. Tougher than he knows," Ronon says.

"He's a _scientist_ ," John says.

"McKay's not a frail duilah, Sheppard."

Of course he's not a wilting flower. In fact, Rodney's stronger than him, physically, although he doesn't want to make the effort to develop it. The edge John keeps on Rodney is because of his years of training. But it doesn't matter if Rodney could bench press more than him if he just put a little heart into it and stop complaining about his back. Wherever he is, John should be there to protect him anyway.

"He didn't even take a tent. What if he got stung by a bee or something? Or if he pissed someone off and got thrown in jail? There are always the Genii, or even worst the Wraiths. We don't know, Ronon. We don't know if he's okay and I have to find him."

"We won't find him," Ronon says.

"What?" John says. He can't believe Ronon would say something like that.

"Not if he doesn't want us to."

The worst thing is that John's starting to believe that. Their search is not even tracking; they don't have one single clue. It's master dissimulating, and John would be impressed if he was not so worried.

"Then what? We stop looking?" John asks.

Ronon shrugs.

"I never said that."

"Then we'll keep looking," John says with resolve.

Maybe they'll get lucky.

***

John's been contacting Atlantis every night, before setting camp. So far, it seems he didn't miss much action, apart from someone blowing up a thankfully empty-at-the-time lab. He's not expecting anything different tonight, though he's surprised when he connects and he's greeted by Lorne.

"How's it going Evan?"

"Fine Sir, thanks. All is under control," he says, but there's an undercurrent to his second's voice. "I might have something for you, Sir"

John blinks.

"What? About McKay?"

"Yes, although it's pretty weak. Billick overheard something, in a market on Thalio. Two guys, buying supplies, and one was complaining to the other that it better do this time, because he was tired of getting his head bitten off."

Hope rises in John's chest. Shit, it could be. And at the same time, Rodney's not the only cranky person in the galaxy.

"Tell me Billick interrogated them?" John says.

Evan sighs.

"Yes, he did, but they shut up like clams. Played stupid. Then they got the hell out of dodge."

It could be a huge lead.

"Did Billick follow them?" John asks.

"He tried, but they lost him." Lorne sounds as annoyed by this as John is. Shit, it could have been good.

"Why could this help, then?" John says, demoralized.

"Billick asked around," Lorne says. "Turns out they were Travelers. They were looking for specific spaceship parts."

It's like John's been hit right between the eyes, it makes so much sense.

"Son of a bitch," John exhales.

***

Suffice to say, the vacation was cut short and John goes right back to Atlantis. John calls for a meeting for 2000, which gives him just enough time to grab a bite, shower and shave. In Woolsey's office, there's a thrumming sense of expectation that has long been lacking. John nods at everyone.

"Okay, so, Travelers," John says, cutting to the chase. He can't believe they didn't think to contact them. "First thing first, is it possible to contact them at the moment?"

"Yes, we located them and were just waiting for you, Sir," Lorne says. "They're expecting a communication tonight."

"Everyone okay with that?" John asks.

He's met with nods.

"Of course," Woolsey says. "But since their ships are falling apart, I am sure that they are in great need of Dr. McKay's assistance, and I would not necessarily believe if they said they don't know where he is."

John has to say that Woolsey has a point, there.

"Agreed." He tilts his head towards the control room. "How about we make the call right now and see what they have to say?"

Everyone gets up and they crowd around the console, while Chuck dials the gate, and then send the signal that will make it to the ships. At the same time, he brings online on the video screen feed. As John expected it's Larrin who appears on screen, smirking.

"Travelers, this is Atlantis," John says.

"Colonel Sheppard," she practically purrs, "it has been a long time."

"Hey, Larrin. Sure has. Everything okay for you guys?" John asks, trying to be civil and biting his cheek.

"Never better, thanks," she says with a cheeky grin and that's it, John's too tired to pretend.

"Good. Dr. McKay would not be with you, by any chance?" he asks, trying to look cool and collected.

She shrugs.

"No, Dr. McKay finished his contract today and has left the ship."

John tries very hard not to tense. First, that means Rodney's okay. Second, it's one hell of a fresh lead.

"Okay, so do you know how to contact him?" John asks.

Larrin eyebrows shoot up.

"Because you don't?" She looks honestly surprised and it seems Rodney must have fed the Travelers some story about why he's not on Atlantis anymore that's quite different from the reality. Larrin starts to smile but must see John's very strong intention to strangle her, because she immediately adds. "We don't contact him, he contacts us."

Under the circumstances, it makes sense, so John tries to smile without showing to many teeth.

"Okay then, tell me where you dropped him, and we'll take it from there," John says.  
She looks to the side, then back at the screen.

"That would be Polvin," she says and John's stomach drops. It's a deserted planet, and if it's true, obviously Rodney's covering his tracks again.

"Okay, thanks. Could you do me a favor, if you talk to him before I do?" John asks.

"Sure," Larrin says, throwing her hair over her shoulder and propping her chin on her hand, the very picture of someone listening intently.

"Tell McKay he needs to update us on his situation," John says, going for casual.

"Because he isn't? How interesting." She looks fascinated, and not a little smug about it. "What did you do, Sheppard, to make your Chief Science Officer leave Atlantis and not contact you?"

"That's none of your business, Larrin. Just give him the message." John says, gritting his teeth. "That will be all. Be safe out there."

She scoffs.

"What, that's it? No new strategy to strike against the Wraiths? You contact us just to speak with your precious McKay? Who's lucky he's as good as he says fixing my ships, by the way, so I didn't space him. I was tempted."

"Try living for six years with the guy," John counters and she makes a face. "Yeah, that's the only reason I called. You better not be lying to my face, not saying where he is, though. Because if I find out, I'll come and kick your ass myself."

When he sees Lorne make a face from the corner of his eyes, John figures that was maybe a bit over the line. It makes Larrin laugh, though.

"Ohhh, I am scared. Remember, I usually kick _your_ ass, Sheppard," she says.

"That's because _I never hit back_ before," John growls.

When she starts laughing again, John hits the button almost savagely, ending the transmission. Larrin always has had this gift for getting him riled up, and not always in the good way.

"What do we do now?" Zelenka asks. "A visit to Polvin?"

John sighs.

"I guess," he says. They had been there on the search, in the first days, and it hadn't given anything.

In the spirit of thoroughness, Chuck dials and John, Ronon and Zelenka gear up and go through the wormhole. They're about to walk down the ramp, sun high noon here even if it's nighttime in Atlantis, when Ronon grabs their arms.

"What is it?" John says, and immediately scans the horizon, P-90 at the ready.

Ronon points at the ground that is covered by sand. There's one set of footprints, military issue boots the right size for Rodney, that go down to the DHD, then right back up to the ring. John lets his head fall backward, shutting his eyes, and the hope he had tried so hard not to feel vanishes. Oh, Rodney was most probably here, but only long enough to dial right back out, going _anywhere_.

And with that, they're back to square one.

***

The next day, John's sparring with Teyla, maybe overdoing it a little, when she decides to play Doctor Phil at her turn.

"At least we know that Rodney is well," she says, deflecting his stick easily.

"Yeah," John says, not biting.

He doesn't want to talk, he wants to fight, damnit. He launches another attack but it's disconcertingly easy how Teyla dances away from it without even one blow touching.

"I am sure he has a reason for staying away, John. A good one," she says, relentless.

This time, John doesn't even answer. And what if he does? John's sick and tired of playing hide and seek.

That's it, he's done.

He goes in too fast and John can feel the sharp hit on his shoulder resonate right down to his fingers.

***

Of all things, they're in a senior staff meeting when the alarms start blaring in the control room. John gets up and jogs out, foregoing the radio for direct contact.

"What's going on?" he asks.

"Unscheduled gate activation, Colonel," the technician says as the puddle forms, and John notices it's that Forsberg kid again. "It's... it's Dr. McKay's former IDC, and we have an incoming radio transmission."

John blinks, but gestures to the marines to get into position, firearms at the ready. Heart speeding up, he nods.

"Keep the shield up, but open the radio channel," John says.

"Identify yourself, please," Forsberg asks.

"Atlantis, it's Doctor Meredith Rodney McKay," Rodney's voice sounds through the speakers. "If you'd lower the shield, please, I'd like to come through. Oh, and no shooting, if that's not too much of a problem?"

"Your IDC is incorrect, McKay," John says, surprised his voice sounds normal because he's a mess inside at the moment. "You know the drill."

"Oh, come on, like I remember your stupid code phrases to prove I'm not calling with a gun to my head, Colonel. Was it "Nothing special to report" to say I'm caught or to say I'm clear? I never got the hang of that one."

John can't help it: he smiles because that's such a McKay thing to say.

"To say you're caught, Rodney," John says. Obviously he's not, or he would not be speaking about protocol. "We're lowering the shield; get your ass over here."

The barrier is taken down and it's with a relieved sigh that Rodney answers.

"Thank god, okay, coming in. Remember, no holes!"

A second later, Rodney steps through, maybe a bit slimmer and with longer hair, but looking perfectly fine and not injured. He's dressed in the Pegasus equivalent of civilian clothes, but carrying his gear in his arms, holding the guns by the barrels away from him to show he's not going to use them, conform to the protocol he just pretended he never bothered learning. The first thing he does it to shove the P-90 in the hands of the closest marine, but then Rodney’s grinning up at them, and holds up a finger in a 'wait' gesture.

"I've been waiting to do this for weeks!" he says, getting on his knees, and then he kisses the ground, before laying his cheek on the metal floor, looking ecstatic. "I'm back baby, missed me?" he croons at the damn floor, maybe even petting it.

John's shaking his head, smile wide because, god, Rodney's back and he's OK. After a beat, he follows the others down the stairs. It's Ronon who gets to McKay first and hauls him up, before squeezing him in a bear hug. There's a little crowd gathering, with welcomes and people telling Rodney they are glad he's back. Rodney laughs and hangs on as Ronon almost smothers him, letting go only to gather a Teyla, who looks almost bouncy, in his arms next. John hovers close but he sidesteps to let Carlson, Radek and even Woolsey gets a quick hug because he doesn't quite know what to do, if he should step forward or maybe just give Rodney a clap on the back. He's no good with the whole hugging business, Rodney knows that.

It seems, though, that Rodney takes the decision away from him after letting go of Woolsey because he zeros on John's eyes, grins and just glomps him. It makes John laugh and he finds himself holding back just as fiercely, his hand fisting is the linen of Rodney's shirt. He's solid and real, and John feels flooded by a huge sense of relief. Finally. John's pretty sure he hears a couple of "awww!" but he just doesn't care. John's no expert in the matter, but the hug seems to go on for a long time and when Rodney pulls back, he keeps a strong grip on one of John's upper arms even as he turns to their friends.

"I missed you guys," he says at large, but he squeezes John's arm at the same time. _You most of all_ it says and John can't stop smiling. He pats Rodney on the back and rests his hand there for a moment, which feels like a bold move, at least for him.

"We've missed you too, lad," Carson says, eyes suspiciously shiny. "But you've got to come with me to the infirmary, get checked out."

"Yes, okay, but I'm fine," Rodney says.

It's like it shakes John from his happy stupor, bringing back how much time Rodney's been away and they still don't know _why_. John grabs Rodney's left forearm and yanks the shirt up, looking for that mysterious bracelet. There's nothing but his watch, though.

"You know about that?" Rodney says, understanding perfectly what John's doing. "Shit, don't tell me someone else got caught! I told you to stay away from that thing!" he starts to rant, snatching his arm back.

"What the fuck happened, McKay?" John asks, all of the worry coming back and making him snap. "You get up and leave without telling anyone? Do you have any idea..."

"Well excuse me, Colonel, but I had no choice!" Rodney yells right back.

"Gentleman, why don't we let Dr. McKay go to the infirmary and debrief later?" Woolsey cuts in, just like Teyla puts a calming hand on Rodney's shoulder as they glare at one another. Rodney has no right to be pissy about John wanting an explanation.

"Yes, we are all anxious to know what happened, but it can wait," Teyla says softly, obviously to them both.

"I'll bring you some food," Ronon says and that makes Rodney look at him with huge grateful eyes.

"Oh, god, yes please. I'm _starving_ ," he says, already falling in step behind Carlson on his way to the infirmary. John considers following, feeling a deep urge not to let Rodney out of his sight ever again, but he's afraid he's just going to get in the way and shake Rodney until he says what the hell happened. Instead, he climbs back up the stairs and in the conference room, sits in his chair, and grab his computer. The list of the planets explored or not is still opened in a corner and John clicks the window shut viciously. Rodney better have a good explanation for this.

He opens mine sweeper.

***

It takes almost two hours before they're all back for the debrief. Rodney's apparently showered, changed, fed and perfectly healthy if you believe Carlson. John on the other hand just took all of that time to brood and work up a temper, so when the actual explanation he waited so long for starts, he doesn't even participate, just listens.

As they had guessed, it started when that machine that reads thoughts acted up.

"By that time I thought I perfectly understood its function, but it suddenly whipped out one of the wiry extensions that wrapped around my wrist. The connection was instant and it told me what to do."

"The machine spoke to you?" Zelenka asks.

"No, no, by then it knew my thought patterns exactly, and it just flashed the situation right into my brain. In details." Rodney all but shudders. "It was creepy as hell."

"Images and..." Zelenka starts.

"The whole nine yards, images, sound, concepts... pretty disorienting in fact, and for a minute there I thought my head would explode," Rodney says quietly, as if reminiscing.

"What did it say?" Woolsey asks.

"The machine, over the week I had been using it, had not only read the thoughts I wanted to get translated on file, which, you know, if it worked as it seemed to work, it would be the best invention in the history of forever, but, well, it pretty much had psychoanalyzed me completely and had designed my path to Ascension. No less."  
Ascension. Again. There's an audible groan from the room at large and Rodney is shaking his head knowingly.

"And what, it sent you on a spiritual quest?" Ronon asks.

"Please, don't be ridiculous," Rodney says, rolling his eyes, but then pauses and seems to think about it. "Well I'll be damned. It was exactly that. When the necessary steps I'd have to do were downloaded in my head, for lack of a better word, the umbilical cord detached but left me with a piece of it around my wrist. I tried to force it off but it shocked me. For every try I made the shock was stronger, enough to make my heart start to beat strangely."

"But why leave and tell no one? We could have helped!" Carson says, and Zelenka nods.

"That was the catch! My supposed path to Ascension had to be done alone. If I even mentioned it or asked for help to remove the device, then the bracelet would know, with the mind reading, and not only shock me, but hurt the person I was asking for help, too. That thing was nasty," Rodney says, absentmindedly rubbing his left wrist.

"You couldn't just work on getting it off, by yourself, while staying on Atlantis?" Lorne says.

"No, the first part of the road to Ascension was to leave Atlantis and truly be on my own. I even had a fucking time table to respect, or it would hurt selected people closest to me, at random. The images were horrific, very vivid and specific. I could not take the chance."

"So you made up that fake trip to YY7-636, and then just got out of dodge?" Lorne says.

"Exactly. I had a couple of things to achieve before the road was traveled completely, then I could ascend."

"You look the same," Ronon says, looking pointedly at Rodney.

"That's because I found a way to beat the bracelet before I got there," Rodney says, with a hit of smugness.

"I do not understand: how could you beat it, if it read your mind?" Teyla asks.

"It's complicated," Rodney says, starting to wave his hands. "I had to perfect thinking two things simultaneously."

"Think two things simultaneously? Is that even possible?" Zelenka says.

"Obviously, yes. We multitask all the time, a song while working, doing a repetitive movement and thinking about what we need to do the next day. It's just that one thought process, the mindless one, falls to the background. I had to make that background noise louder, to cover what I was trying to do, since the device could only pick up on the loudest thing going on in my head at one time."

"And you managed to do it?" Teyla says.

"Not without getting tons of shocks with my trial and errors, but yes. I needed something that engaged my attention, but that I could do easily enough. Then when I was deep in that task, I had to make it take up a lot of space in the thought process while on the other hand I could try various things to get the bracelet off."

"Tinkering on engines. That's why you contacted the Travelers," Zelenka says with an approving nod.

"Oh, you knew about that, too?" Rodney frowns, "They never told me that you tried to contact them. By the way, Miss Bondage needs to stay the fuck away, I think she has an eye on the biggest spaceship of them all," Rodney says, twirling his finger around to indicate Atlantis.

Ah, well Larrin could dream on, John thought.

"When did you manage to get it off?" Ronon asks.

"Two days ago. I was working on Larrin's propulsion system, reciting loudly in my head every little movement I was doing, and after days of weakening the damn bracelet at the latch point it finally opened. Frankly I could not believe my eyes, it had been such a bitch to get off. Once that was done, I had to dispose of it in a way that it could not communicate with the device here on Atlantis," Rodney says.

"Meaning?" Woolsey demands.

"I dropped it in a volcano on U6T-876," he answers, looking extremely satisfied by the end the device met. If you ask John, he would say his geek is showing: it's a bit too Lords of the Rings as far as solutions go.

"Were you with the Travelers all that time?" Lorne asks.

"What? No, no, just the last ten days. Too much, if you ask me: they might be resourceful, but they're the most cut throat people I've ever met. And the food..." Rodney makes a disgusted face.

"Before that, to what planets did you go?" Ronon says.

"I spent the first two days on Hoff, and then I went back to YY7-636," Rodney says.

"YY7-636?" Lorne repeats, blinking. John is just as stunned, that's the planet where Rodney went missing in the first place.

"Yes. I figured that you'd search elsewhere, once it was clear I was gone. It's an okay world, civilized enough, I found a job fixing Ancient tech for someone who supplies another someone who has a booth in the market in exchange for board and food."

John scoffs inwardly. He'd imagined Rodney lost, terrified, maybe even in danger and he was fixing gizmos?

"And how was the path to ascension?" Teyla asks.

"Oh, that." Rodney sort of waves. "I was supposed to learn to trust people, to realize most of them meant good. Another goal was to atone the everyday fears, etc. So basically it was a lot of bullshit. You can understand how I HAD to get that thing off my arm."

"Now what?" Lorne asks.

"What what?" Rodney says, frowning.

"Are we safe?" Lorne clarifies.

"We've got to lock that machine up until there is a way to neutralize the Ascension function. No one else got caught, right?" Rodney asks, anxious.

"No, we isolated it. I did analyze the results of the first schematics, and..." Zelenka starts to explain.

"Yeah," Rodney says, wistful. "It has so much potential. Does anyone have other questions? I'm beat, you have no idea."

Like it's going to be that easy. There's a lot more ground to cover.

"Did you talk to many people while out there?" John asks.

Rodney turns to him, looking pleased that he's finally interacting. He's thrown him several looks all through the debrief, obviously wondering what is wrong.

"Several, but no I didn't discuss Atlantis. With anyone," Rodney says. John's not so sure about that one, sometimes Rodney talks and talks and doesn't even realize the shit he lets slip. Rodney's continuing. "The only ones who had an idea who I was were the Travelers and Maya on YY7-636, who swore she would not try to contact you guys or tell anyone about me. Oh, and maybe Geron, the domestic. I mostly kept to myself."

"Maya?" John asks.

It's with a pleased little smile that Rodney answers.

"Yes. It's at her place I was staying. She's something special alright, and brilliant enough to understand our collaboration on the repairs of Ancient gadgets would be mutually beneficial," Rodney says, and for some reason John imagines her tall, blond and curvy and he's hit from nowhere by a wave of jealousy that leaves him destabilized.

"You better not have talked too much, McKay," John grouses, gathering his stuff. He suddenly feels like he's suffocating, and he needs some air.

"Please, I'm not stupid," Rodney says with a frown. "I'd never deliberately weaken Atlantis."

John stands, ready to make his escape, then shakes his head.

"Oh, deliberately is not the problem, in fact that's my whole point," John jabs, and sees hurt flash on Rodney's face. He immediately feels bad about it, which makes him brusque. "Okay, I think that's enough?" John asks Woolsey, who looking at John curiously.

"Hum, yes," Woolsey turns to Rodney. "Of course we'll need a detailed report of the events."

Rodney nods.

"It may take a few days."

"Go rest, Doctor McKay. It's good to have you back," Woolsey says with a smile, which makes Rodney beam. It's a bit much for John, who leaves without another word.

He really needs to get his head back together, and fast.

****

John figures that eventually Rodney's going to try to corner him, but at the moment he really doesn't want to talk or explain his attitude. He doesn't even understand it himself, anyway! It's not that he's unhappy that Rodney's back, he's thrilled! But there's a whole mess of feelings that comes with that, which John doesn't know how to deal with. He likes Rodney a lot more than he thought, now what? You can't come out to your best friend and say "hey, man, when you were gone, I realized I was gay for you... what do you think?" It would only make things awkward, and maybe torpedo their friendship; John better keep quiet.

Most probably, it will take some adjustment. John will need to stay away a bit, so that his crush passes, and he's pretty sure he can keep his game face on enough that no one will notice. Of course Teyla and Ronon know, but he'll ask them to keep it shut. He just hopes they will not try to play matchmaker.

John's strumming with restless energy, and even destroying a couple of paper targets at the firing range doesn't help. Running it is, then. John goes to change, then starts the course where there's a fuckload of stairs.

If he's about to start to feel sorry for himself, he'll at least have a reason to.

***

Maybe he'd overdone it a little, but John is beat. The shower pounds on his shoulders and he has a flash of the first day Rodney went missing, and how he didn't notice right away because he was tired and didn't pay attention to little things that were different. Not that it would have changed anything, he reasons.

John towels dry and puts on new boxers before going back in his bedroom. If he's lucky, he'll sleep now that Rodney's home. There's something not quite right and John tenses, and swivels to the door at the same time Rodney coughs to grab his attention.

"Wha...!" John almost squeaks, getting in defensive position as Rodney backs up, raising his hands.

"Sorry, sorry, I rang but you didn't answer!" Rodney says.

"That's because I was in the shower," John shoots back, rolling his eyes.

"I can see that, now, sorry. I thought you didn't want to talk to me," Rodney says, looking apologetic at least.

"And that allows you to break into my room how?" John says, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Oh and you're right, I don't want to talk to you."

Rodney's face all but falls at that, and he looks miserable.

"But why? I don't understand!"

John sighs and rubs the heel of his hands in his eye sockets.

"Look, I'm tired, you're tired. You should go. We'll talk some other time," John says.

"But you're pissed at me! And I don't know why and it's driving me nuts!" Rodney says, fast, obviously distressed.

"It's not you, it's me," John says, and half smiles at the lame way it comes out. Rodney groans.

"Shit, that's never good," Rodney says, and then his eyes go wide. "Oh my god, you're breaking up with me!"

This time, John shakes his head, amused despite himself.

"I can't break up with you, McKay, we're not even dating," John reasons.

"Well that's your interpretation," Rodney grumbles and frankly it sends John's mind reeling. "No, I meant that you're ending our friendship; that you've finally had enough."

"I never said that," John says, dropping to sit on his bed. "Just... don't push it, Rodney. Not tonight."

The problem is that Rodney's stretching himself as tall as he can, crossing his arms, bracing his feet and raising his chin.

"Oh, I want to know, and I'll know," he says.

When he gets like this, Rodney is the proverbial unmovable object. John gets up, passes by Rodney and opens the door, then gestures towards the corridor.

"And I say that you're going to go do whatever you generally do at this hour, I'll go and have a good night sleep and we will talk _another time_ ," John says coolly, but he feels his temper rise again.

"You seemed happy enough to see me when I came through the gate," Rodney says, like a dog with a bone. "But then you became all prissy about security and secrets. You _know_ I can keep shut when I want."

It will be next to impossible to get rid of him, now, John reasons.

"Fine, I know, sorry I said anything. Now please go," John says. It's better if they don't fight.

John doesn't trust himself not to say things he should keep secret.

"But I don't understand! It's not like I wanted to go, I was forced to!" Rodney says.

"You don't know that, you didn't stay long enough so that we could try and help you," John says, voice rising.

"What, and risk what that machine had shown me?" Rodney says, eyes wide at whatever horrors that means. He shakes his head. "No way."

John had a lot of trouble imagining how terrible that could be.

"It's a long shot that it could have done whatever you saw. It was probably just some bluff."

John gestures to the still open door.

"No, it wasn't," Rodney said, shooting daggers. "On YY7-636, I did ask Geron for help after a couple of days. The shock was so strong we both passed out. He was scared of me for weeks after that, I was lucky he didn't run to the gate and rat me out to you guys."

Ouch, okay so maybe it was not just paranoia. But they could have tried. Rodney starts for the door and John breathes a sigh of relief. At last. But just before he reaches the door, Rodney turns and shoots John a glance. He's still angry and confused.

"It was you, by the way," Rodney says and John frowns, not understanding. "The device made it very clear that if I didn't get out of Atlantis in less than one hour, it would go after you."

He says it as if it explains everything, then turns and leaves.

***

Predictably, John doesn't sleep that night. He goes to the mess hall on autopilot and the shock of seeing Rodney sitting with Teyla and Ronon at their usual table is like a physical punch. He's grateful, but still so confused that he doesn't quite know how to react. John decides that acting as if nothing ever happened has served him enough in his life that he can give it another shot. He loads a tray and sits down next to McKay.

"Morning," he says.

"Good morning John," Teyla says, smiling at him and Ronon grunts around a mouthful of muffin.

"Morning," Rodney says back, but barely, busy inhaling his coffee.

John eyebrows rise at his obvious relish.

"Missed that?" he asks Rodney.

"I missed a lot of things," Rodney counters, when the cup is drained, although he doesn't even look at John. He then starts to demolish his scrambled eggs.

John starts eating his toast and his mind wanders. They don't have any missions scheduled in the next week, since he was on vacation and got back before time was up, but maybe he could put them back on the roster. Doing normal stuff, getting back in the routine would probably help everything fall back into normalcy faster. The next thing he's aware of, Rodney's getting up.

"Okay, so lab time. I'll be at it all day, surely," Rodney says.

"They will be glad to have you back," Teyla says.

"For ten minutes," Ronon adds with a toothy grin.

Rodney scoffs, but the side of his mouth is tilting up in a smile.

"Maybe less," he agrees.

"Later!" John says cheerfully, as he leaves and Rodney turns back to give him a confused look.

John can't blame him. He's way confused too.

***

In an idealized version of the return scenario, John had thought that when Rodney got back, everything would fall into place again. In reality, he's just as exhausted as before and doesn't seem to be able to concentrate on his job any more than a couple of weeks ago. John sighs as the print on the requisition just moves around, and he slumps in his chair. He better screw his head back on soon. He probably needs just a bit more time, so that it sinks in.

But what's really happening is that everything he lived with - the frustration, the emptiness, the fucking longing he felt for Rodney - is still there even with him back. It just morphed. John's no longer worried that Rodney could be in danger, or worse, because he sees Rodney at least five times a day, or at least hear him. The way the science team scuttle left and right, eyes a little wide, is proof enough that he's back.

The city didn't sink while under Zelenka's supervision and it's like it's a direct affront to Rodney, who spends long hours in the lab getting back into things in order to rant at every mistake he finds. At first Zelenka takes it in his stride, as if he has kind of missed it, but after two or three days with no improvement in Rodney's temper, John hears rumors of resignation and that he's threatening to go back to Earth. John's not worried, Zelenka will never do that.

John does a complicated dance around Rodney, hovering just in his periphery: he's reassuring himself that everything is OK, but avoids spending time with him directly. It's too raw, too soon, and he's worried that Rodney will find out that something changed and that he'll cut John away for good. He tries to act normal at meals, but it's stilted and Ronon and Teyla are trying to guilt trip him with the sole means of raised eyebrows.

He thinks he didn't do so badly at lunch though. They'd fallen into pretty easy banter about the worst food they'd ever eaten on Earth, a change from the usual daydreaming, and John had laughed until he cried about stories of Rodney's Great Aunt Martha and how her haggis had traumatized a young Rodney for life. When John finally managed to stop the laughing, still smiling so wide his cheek hurt, Rodney was practically radiating smugness and beamed at him. The swell of feeling that had accompanied it for John was immediately followed by the dread of knowing he was so very fucked. John had stiffened up, and then made a half hearted excuse to flee.

The small office that holds all of John's backdated paperwork is a nice place to hide, but unfortunately not a deterrent enough to a determined Rodney McKay. Without any warning or even a simple - it's just polite! - ringing of the chime, Rodney barges in. John expects insults or demands that he explains himself, so he braces for it.

"Do you want to watch a movie tonight?" Rodney asks.

It's so surprising that John is left gaping.

"What?"

"It's Wednesday. So, do you want to watch a movie tonight or not. The question is simple enough, you use either yes or no to answer," Rodney says, visibly tense.

John had not been expecting that. But then again, they often did Wednesday movies, before, generally in Rodney's quarters. Where John had jerked off, thinking of him. John is pretty sure he would not make it 90 minutes next to Rodney without dying of embarrassment or doing something stupid, like make a move. He feels himself flush, raises some forms and taps them on the desk, even though they made a very ineffectual shield.

"Ah, huh, well no, sorry. I have something planned," John says lamely, fidgeting.

Rodney looks at him, face going blank.

"No, you don't," he declares.

John almost squirms, ears hot. He knows he's caught.

"Okay, I don't," John says, getting up, grabbing his stuff. "I don't feel like it, I didn't want to sound rude."

That's when Rodney's carefully composed mask just cracks.

"What the ever-loving fuck is wrong with you, Sheppard?" Rodney asks, low and angry.

There is no good answer to that. He eyes the door, but Rodney's blocking it, so John fixes a point just over his shoulder.

"I don't know what you're talking about," John says, then decides to chance an escape. He tries to go around Rodney, but he's not moving an inch, even shoots his arm out to block John's path.

"Oh no, you're not running away again, you asshole," he hisses and whoa, that's a level of pissed off John hasn't seen often. It does make him stop, and even step back. He's not going to look at Rodney in the eyes, though, or speak up. "Okay, let me tell you what I'm talking about. One minute everything is fine, the next you totally shut off and it's like we're strangers, or worse. What's with the hot and cold treatment, Sheppard?"

John shakes his head.

"Nothing, nothing. It's just been a rough time, I need time to adjust," he says.

"And what, you think it's been a walk in the park for me?" Rodney says, cold. "I was terrified. Alone. All I wanted was to come home, and when I do, my best friend's acting like he'd prefer I'd never come back."

"What?" John exclaims, finally meeting Rodney's eyes, and he looks angry but also a bit lost. "I'm happy you're back, Rodney. Really."

Rodney snorts.

"Yeah, for the good of Atlantis, yadda, yadda," he says. "I guess that a month long vacation from me let you reevaluate our friendship." He turns, as if to go in a huff.

The words sink in and it's suddenly John's turn to see red. He grabs Rodney's vest as he's about to exit, shuts the door and pushes Rodney against it, his back hitting hard. John gets in his personal space, using the couple of inches he has to the maximum to intimidate.

"Vacation?" John says, softly but tense with anger. Blue eyes widen with surprise, Rodney is frozen. "You think that this was fucking _vacation_ for me?" he all but yells next. At this very moment, he's scaring Rodney and he knows it. But he's too far gone to stop, although he lowers his tone. "Oh no, this was not a vacation. I was worried out of my mind, you jerk. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I searched everywhere and then some, fought with Woolsey, name it."

"I... I know that you..." Rodney looks apologetic at least.

"You left, Rodney! Not a word, not one tiny hint, you just got up and left!" John shouts.

"But..." Rodney tries to defend himself.

"You left _me!_ " John yells again, but at the way Rodney's eyes widen, he knows he's gone too far. John can't look at him anymore, and his flight instinct soars, but Rodney’s still in the way, blocking the door. Wishing he could hide, John drops his forehead to Rodney's shoulders. Just one second and he's going to get himself together and make an exit as dignified as he can. That was not factoring Rodney's arms coming up to wrap around him in an embrace more than a hug, rubbing his back lightly. John wishes he didn't like it so much.

"I shouldn't have said that," Rodney whispers. "I didn't think... I'm sorry you were so worried."

"I just need a bit of time," John mumbles back. "It can't go back to like it was before just like that."

"Okay, okay, if you say so. But I... I don't understand why. I'm back, now," Rodney says, honestly puzzled.

"I know, I'm just fucked up, I haven't slept in so long it's like I don't know how anymore," John says. "It makes me cranky."

"Ask Jennifer, she'll give you something," Rodney says.

"That's not a good idea. Woolsey and her are just waiting for something like that to sideline me for a while," John says. "I've been, uh, hard to work with lately."

"Jesus, John," Rodney says, still rubbing his back and John wants to arch into it like a cat, it feels so good. He turns his head a little, gets the tip of his nose against the skin of Rodney's neck. God, if only he could just... But Rodney's pushing him away, disengaging from the sort of hug and John tries not to feel too lost at that. It was really nice for a moment, there. But Rodney grabs his wrist, opening the door and drags John behind him in the corridor without even explaining what's going on. John almost stumbles but follows.

"Huh Rodney?" John asks.

"Hush. I'm going to try to help you," Rodney says, getting them in a transporter, and a flash later they exit near their quarters.

It seems they're going fast towards Rodney's room. Until then, John was following in a daze, but upon getting there he starts to pull back, trying to break the hold.

Rodney does let him go, and dashes in, as John hovers in the opened doorway, frowning at Rodney who disappears in the bathroom, exiting almost immediately shaking a little bottle with a triumphant smile.

"I knew I had some of these left. Okay, so come on," Rodney says, passing by John again and exiting the room, definitely on a mission.

Curious, John follows.

"Well thanks, but..." he stutters to a stop when Rodney stops before John's own door, and makes a little impatient gesture.

"Open up!" he says, and as if on automatic, John does it and follows him in. Rodney points to the bed. "Okay, so now you're going to rest."

"It's not even dinner time, Rodney!" John says, rolling his eyes.

"Who cares? If you need sleep that much, you'll sleep right through. Those pills could knock out an elephant."

John frowns.

"I don't really like that sort of thing," John says. He hates the groggy feeling and not being in control of his body.

"Relax, Sheppard, we won't get attacked in the middle of the night, and if so I'll give you the magic cure, I have those too."

It probably should be worrisome that Rodney's so at ease with uppers/downers, but at the moment sleep sounds like a very very good idea. John sits on his bed and takes off his boots while Rodney disappears into his bathroom. He comes back with a glass of water and one pill.

"I usually take two. One should be good for you. It's going to be okay, I swear it's good stuff."

"You sound like a dealer, Rodney," John says with a small smile, swallowing it with a gulp of water. He almost chokes on it when Rodney reaches to his head and touches his ear, sporting a thoughtful expression, but before John can react, he realizes Rodney was getting his radio, that he puts on the nightstand.

"Okay, so now strip and lie down," Rodney says casually and John's glad he's done with the water, because he'd spray it out.

"What?"

"You'll sleep better if you're comfortable and you know it," Rodney says. "Just lose the pants and the vest, it's not that difficult!"

It's almost awkward, getting undressed and John feels his ear turn red.

"Come on, I've seen you strip down in missions, what's taking you so long?" Rodney says, impatient as always.

It's true, they've all seen each other in various state of undress and John has even shared small tents with Rodney wearing just his boxers because it was so hot, and he's never been self conscious about it. In an effort to make the situation seem as normal as possible, John shrugs and just gets it done, while Rodney hums, satisfied. Figuring that just doing what Rodney says is the best hope that he’ll finally leave - to let him emote in peace and, if possible, sleep - John only keeps boxers and t-shirt and climbs in his bed, lying down on his stomach.

"I'm not sleepy," John says, punching his pillow a little, and then resting his head, turning towards Rodney who's looking back at him with his head tilted, considering.

"You'll be soon," Rodney says, "but you need to relax a bit, you look tense like a bow."

John scoffs.

"Look who's talking," he says. Rodney always looks like he's tied into knots. "Shouldn't you, I don't know, leave and let me try to fall asleep?"

There's no chance he'll go to sleep if Rodney hovers on the side of his bed like this. John closes his eyes, trying to encourage him to go.

"Yes, in a minute. First..." Rodney says and John feels his bed dip near his hip and a second later he almost yelps when Rodney straddles his tights.

"The fuck?" John says, heart racing, but Rodney's big hands are already kneading at his trapezes, thumbs digging at the base of his neck and he groans, half in pleasure and half in pain.

"I give excellent back rubs," Rodney says, as he continues to squeeze and stroke in a way that has John wanting to fervently agree. "Jesus, Sheppard, you're sure those are muscles, not rocks?"

With that Rodney tugs John's t-shirt off then starts to vigorously work the cricks and knots in John's back. It alternately hurts like hell - making him want to beg that he stops- but that's until the pain gives way to relief and he never, ever wants it to end. It's absolutely incredible. John tries to stay as boneless as he can and maybe the sleeping pill Rodney gave him is starting to kick in because he has the impression he's going to turn liquid pretty soon. At the same time, predictably, Rodney's touch on his back and the nonsense commentary he keeps - to be honest, John's not listening at all - is also making heat curl up in his belly. John has to fight to stifle his moans, only allowing little grunts to escape when Rodney hits a particular sore spot.

It goes on for a little while, although John would not be able to say how long, and he's tripping a little, floating on a sea of sensation and building arousal, when he realizes that Rodney's at his lower back, just over his ass and everything kicks up a notch. John suddenly has to work to keep his breathing slow and relaxed, and he also knows that the back rub is coming to an end. Rodney, who's been working very systematically with efficient and no-nonsense touches that were nothing but business, slows down and John just can't help the tiny whine of protest when Rodney's hands leave his back.

"I knew you'd like it," Rodney says with a chuckle. "Are you okay? You do look more relaxed."

"Just a bit more," John pleads, trying deliberately to sound pathetic and he probably succeeds because Rodney laughs and he's rubbing long up and down strokes on John's back, who makes a satisfied sound. "So good," he almost slurs.

"The patented McKay back rubs helped me to get laid more often than you'd think," Rodney says, sounding smug.

"Oh, I'm sure of that," John says, relishing the sensations as Rodney works every vertebra in his back, going up. When he reaches his neck John pushes his pillow aside, forehead on the mattress, to align his head and Rodney's fingers start working at the base of his skull. He can't help the groan at that, but his face is stuffed in his mattress, so hopefully it didn't sound too wanton. Not stopping his involuntary quest to drive John mad with lust, Rodney then starts an honest to god scalp massage.

"Your hair is a lot softer than I thought," Rodney says, and John doesn't know why exactly it's those words that make him slip but he can't help pressing his erection in the mattress. He's so damn hard, he's been for a long time now and it's just too tempting. It doesn't do much in term in the friction that he definitely needs, and now John just wants to hump his bed _again_. Rodney's hands leave his head and they then slide down his back, a lot less pressure than before, caressing. It leaves trails of heat on John's skin.

"I never told you this, Sheppard," Rodney says, as if he's musing out loud, "and don't take it badly, but I've always found it really unfair that you're both intelligent and attractive. You really won on the genetic lotto, and not just with the ATA gene."

John doesn't have enough energy to argue, but he does manage to do a bit of a back and forth movement with his hand, before letting his hand drop because no one will understand what it means anyway.

"You're brilliant and hot, same difference," John mumbles, trying to fight down his arousal and therefore not really filtering his words. It only hits him what he just said when Rodney hums. This time, when Rodney's hands follow his spine, John can't help to curl into the touch, as if they're magnets that he just cannot resist. The dual whammy of Rodney slowly pushing both hands up simultaneously, all the way to his head and fingers digging in his scalp once more lets John's control over his vocal chords slip again.

"God, don't stop, so good," John says, pleasure making his voice scratchy.

"No wonder space bimbettes throw themselves at you, Jesus," Rodney says, and his voice is a bit hoarse too which makes John hump the bed once more. He's going to _die_ if he doesn't come soon.

"Fuck, Rodney," John hisses, panicking a little because Rodney better be okay with this or else he has to go soon or John's going to start writhing.

That's when the pressure of Rodney's weight on John's thighs is released and for a second, John's absolutely certain that Rodney's finally reached the limit of what he can stand, and that he'll just leave, leaving everything unresolved. It makes it even more of a surprise when John feels hot breath against his neck.

"You're going to have to stop me from doing something stupid, Colonel," Rodney whispers.

"I passed stupid a while ago," John pants, moving a bit more because it's easier now that he's not pinned to the bed, but not enough, not nearly enough.

"I could help you out," Rodney says and John has a full body shiver.

"Oh, god..." he says, biting his sheet, imagining so many possibilities to go with those words.

Even better, Rodney's urging him to turn on his back, now, and when John does so he only has to look at Rodney to see he's totally into this, too. His pupils are blown out, a flush on his cheeks and he's never looked so kissable so John just grabs him by the head and pulls him down. Their first kiss is hard and a tad frantic, especially on John's part, who wants more and more, his hands now roaming and clutching at Rodney. It's good, it's awesome but... yes, better now that he slips under Rodney's shirt and reaches skin. Rodney groans at it, breath hitching when John thumbs at his nipples, already drawn tight. Rodney leaves John's mouth to nip and kiss at John's jaw, then his ear.

"What do you want," he whispers urgently, "tell me what I can do for you, John."  
John arches off the bed at that, trying to reach Rodney's body hovering unfairly just out of reach.

"Get me off, please; I don't give a fuck how, just..." John babbles and Rodney bites his shoulder, which makes John cry out with pain and pleasure mixed.

"I told you to tell me," Rodney says, authoritative and it's unexpectedly hot, how he's taking charge. John keens, panting now and he wants anything, everything, he doesn't _care_ as long as it's Rodney making him come. "Come on, John, focus. What do you want? My hand? My mouth? Do you want to fuck me? Or I could fuck you, too," Rodney lists, implacable.

Holy shit, John doesn't think he's going to last at all, not enough for any kind of fucking that's for sure. He tries to gets his hand down to his dick, just a couple of pulls will surely let him get off like a rocket and end this torture. But Rodney notices and catches his wrist, then forces it over John's head.

"Tell me," Rodney urges, eyes hungry and when he licks his lips John fixates on his mouth, shiny and wet now. He bites his own lips and he's sure Rodney knows exactly what he wants, with the evil but sexy smirk he does, but he's going to make John work for it.

"Blow me," John rasps out. "Please, Rodney, suck me. Please."

It comes out needy as hell, but John is past caring about that, now. Rodney smiles down at him, and then kisses him thoroughly as John clings at his upper arm with his free hand. When Rodney tries to move down to John's chest and hopefully soon his dick, John tugs at Rodney's shirt and chants, "Off, off, off, get it off!" when the garment resists his intentions.

Rodney laughs and releases him but John keeps his hand over his head, he can be good, real good. He even brings the other hand up and grabs the decoration in the wall at the head of his bed. Rodney gets up on his knees and pulls his shirt off over his head as John looks on with hunger at his wide shoulders, how strong he looks, and the tent in his khakis that he wants to touch.

"You're so hot," Rodney tells him, eyes raking John's body and it makes him want to do whatever Rodney wants. "I can't believe you're letting me even touch you."

"I'm not letting you anything," John says, "God, I want you, so bad. Please Rodney, it won't take much."

"Well excuse me for taking time to enjoy this," Rodney says, drawing some sort of designs over John's skin lightly with the tips of his fingers, on his chest and thighs, making John almost die of frustration because it's everywhere but where he wants contact the most.

"You sadistic bastard," John groans, shutting his eyes because maybe it will be more bearable if he doesn't see how much Rodney wants to just torture him. Of course it's not, though, John realizes as the touches become unpredictable and just more enhanced this way. "We'll do slow another time, Jesus, we'll do anything you want, any way you want it, as often as you want it, but god, please, just blow me now."

Rodney's hands still and John opens his eyes to Rodney looking at him with a shocked expression, mixed up with a bit of uncertainty, too. It's then John figures that Rodney probably thought this was meant to be a one time only deal. John wonders if this new development, that John wants it to happen again, is good or bad news for Rodney and his stomach drops.

"If you want, of course, only if you want," John says rapidly, hoping he didn't scare him off with his neediness.

John's never been more relieved to see Rodney roll his eyes at him. Rodney then slaps his thigh.

"For the love of... yes, I want that, you gorgeous idiot!" he says, resuming his caresses and John relaxes on the bed once more.

"Good. Awesome," John says, and he almost starts singing praises to the Lord when Rodney finally hooks his fingers in the waistband of John's boxers to strip them off, an endeavor John cooperates with willingly.

It seems that being reassured that he'll be able to touch John again is enough so that Rodney doesn't feel the need to torture him anymore, nudging John's thighs open so he can settle between them. If Rodney's hand closing on his dick makes the pleasure ratchet up right to the edge up of coming, John experiences some sort of dissociative black out when he's sucked into the wet inferno of Rodney's mouth. He howls, of that he's pretty sure, and there's sucking and a bit of thrusting and that's it, he's gone, his orgasm hitting so hard he seizes or close, colors exploding behind his eyelids. He surfs the wave of intense pleasure as long as he can, then he is sort of slammed back down inside his skin, dazed and wrung out.

He blinks Rodney into focus, who smiles and gives him a little kiss, then hastily unbuckles his belt and opens his pants, pushing them down his thighs. Distantly, John thinks he should be more of a participant right now, and do _something_ to reciprocate. To his surprise he's still holding on to the wall over his head, and he slowly lets go, though he leaves his hands right there, on the pillow, because it would be too much of an effort to bring them down now. By then Rodney's got his cock in his hand and he's stripping it fast and hard, his other hand touching feather-like on John again.

"That was, that was incredible," Rodney's saying, raptured, and then his eyes white out, rolling back in his head as he starts to come, shooting on John's chest with a strangled shout. It's so hot, John thinks for a second that his dick might get interested all over again, but no, not happening for a little while. Once he's done, Rodney all but falls like a sack of potatoes by John's side, who chuckles at the nothing but smooth move. Rodney eyes him through half open eyes and, after almost starting to scowl at being mocked, he just beams at John.

"Incredible," Rodney repeats.

John grins right back, and then heroically manages to rearrange his limbs so he's turned on his side and has a leg thrown over the back of Rodney's thighs and a hand running over those amazing shoulders.

"Yeah," he says. Rodney makes a disgusted face when John's come-covered stomach gets in contact with his arm. John snorts. "Your mess," he teases.

"Oh, believe me, I know," Rodney says, flops his head to the other side, wiggles a bit with his arm on the edge of the bed, then twists so he's on his side facing John holding John's boxers that he uses to swipe away the come on his own arm and John's chest. His adorable look of concentration while doing so makes it impossible to resist kissing him again. John cups Rodney's face and kisses him softly, and then when Rodney responds immediately he makes the kiss deeper, keeping it lazy and sweet. Rodney's arm closes around his back and hauls him closer, until they are plastered together, making out.

John feels relaxed bone deep, soaking it all in, refusing to think of what comes next to just enjoy the moment as much as he can. He's riding high on endorphins and there's also the haze of the sleeping pills that are trying to pull him deep. His heartbeat is coming back down and he nuzzles at Rodney's neck, making contented noises and Rodney's hand goes back to John's neck, then threads through his hair, scratching his scalp. Rodney's whispering, although it's a bit distant, something about how it's okay to sleep, that he's not going anywhere and John lets go, going under.

***

There's a clicking noise, coming from close by, and John tries to get his awareness on but everything is sluggish. It doesn't seem to be a threat, there's something deeply familiar about it, but he doesn't know what. John tries to shake his head but it's so heavy, he can barely move. Then there are fingers in his hair and a hushed.

"Shhh, it's okay, sleep some more."

Rodney, that's Rodney. Immediately John relaxes and doesn't try to force his eyes open anymore. He drifts, comfortable, thoughts not able to focus on anything in particular. Rodney's there, so everything is OK, that he feels on a visceral level. He's not falling back asleep, though, and John slowly gets his bearings back. He's plastered to Rodney's legs, who's sitting against the headboard. In his bed. The clicking is the laptop. Why Rodney is working on his bed seems incongruous until John remembers what happened earlier. He had sex with Rodney, holy shit. Sensing that he's stirring awake, Rodney pets him some more.

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you. I should go," Rodney says.

John manages to put his arm over Rodney's legs.

"No," he rasps out.

"Okay," Rodney says. Then, after more clicking. "You're surprisingly cuddly."

A grunt is all that he can manage at the moment. Whatever. If he wants to cuddle, he'll cuddle. John throws a leg over Rodney's shin for good measure. Rodney snorts.

"And adorable. How a 40 year old man manages to be adorable, I don't know."

Being adorable isn't that bad, so John lets it pass.

"What time is it?" John mumbles, and he's afraid it doesn't come out that clearly.

"Time? Oh, it's 4 am. You slept a good ten hours, but you should get some more."

"Four?" John groans. He can't believe Rodney got up to work in the middle of the night.

"I... I can't sleep more than five hours at a time," Rodney admits. "I tried, I really did, but I couldn't. So it was either borrowing your laptop or going to the lab, and..." Rodney trails off, as John makes himself more comfortable. It's better that he stayed here. "I didn't want you to wake up alone and wonder if I'd freaked out."

"You're not?" John asks, while he wonders about his own state of panic. For the moment it's pretty low. He's a bit surprised about that, to be honest.

"No, no, not really. I don't quite know what's happening, or what you want, but we'll figure it out," Rodney says, and gives John's head a pat for good measure.

It should not make John smile, that Rodney takes this in stride. Whatever John expects, Rodney always manages to surprise him at the oddest moment.

"I, huh, reevaluated our friendship," John admits, echoing Rodney's words from his office. He wishes he could say more than that.

Rodney gently pries John's face from where it's snuggled against his thigh and forces him to look up at him, then trails his fingers on John's cheekbone. His eyes are soft and there's a little smile hovering.

"I'm glad you did. You know I've been hopelessly crushing on you since we got here, right?" he asks.

He can't help it, John feels his eyes go round. He had no idea.

"No?" he says, sheepish. God, he's so bad at this. Rodney laughs, though, shaking his head.

"Well that must be the first time I've successfully managed to hide my unrequited love from anyone," he says, smiling still. "I'd thought my jealousy at the women hitting on you would have given you a hint."

"I thought you wanted them!" John says, but wow, it does make a certain amount of sense. It doesn't explain everything, though. "But... Katie and Keller?"

Rodney shrugs.

"I honestly thought you were totally off limits, I was trying to find something nice for myself, and I did love them, too," Rodney says, then frowns. "Since when do you have interest in men, anyway?"

John winces. Good question.

"Huh, well... I'm, not really? I mean I looked, but I didn't... Just you?" he admits, wondering if it's going to seem weird or not serious. But Rodney blinks and seems quite awed at that. He closes his laptop, puts it on the nightstand and wiggles down until he's facing John, whose heart is beating hard and fast. He's being observed closely and it's a bit unnerving, makes him want to wrap himself in the sheet for protection.

"That's... wow," Rodney says, grabbing John's chin to force him to look at him again. "Do you know what you want, John?"

God, his heart is going to beat right out of his chest. John nods, but can't seem to find the words. It's so typical he could cry of frustration.

"It was pretty clear earlier that you want, you know, more sex with me, eventually. It was pretty awesome if I say so myself," Rodney says with a little leer that makes John smile.

"Yeah, plenty of that," he admits, because it was more than pretty awesome. "But more, too. I mean... it's not just that," John tries to explain, reaching for Rodney's face at his turn to cup his cheek and leans forward, kissing him softly on the lips.

At that Rodney breaks into a full grin, and he looks so happy that John has no choice but smile too, giddy. He wants to make Rodney happy like that all the time.

"Are you admitting feelings, Sheppard?" he teases.

John rolls his eyes. Of course he is, but as usual he's really bad at articulating them.

"Yeah. When you were gone, I freaked. I can't do this on my own, Rodney. I want... I need you with me."

Rodney kisses him again for that.

"Okay, yes. God, I'm sorry, but I couldn't let that stupid thing hurt you. I had to fix this, before I came back. If it makes you feel any better, I thought of you all the time. I just hoped that you'd keep your heroic ass out of trouble, if I wasn't there to save you."

John doesn't want to think about those horrible weeks anymore. Instead he reassures himself by almost crawling over Rodney and hugs him hard.

"I missed you. So much," John whispers.

"Yeah, me too," Rodney says, hugging him back just as hard. "I heard you terrorized everyone."

"The idiots didn't help to find you, of course I did," John says. He's not going to start feeling bad about that now. "I can be kind of an asshole, you know."

"I noticed. And I'm... well. You know me. Are you sure?" he sounds so small and insecure that John curses Keller and everyone who put the doubt in Rodney that he can't be loved as he is.

"Won't ask you to change," John promises, kissing Rodney's neck because it's right there.

"Though we'll have to talk about working in bed. I'm a very light sleeper."

Rodney laughs softly.

"I'd been working for three hours when you woke up," he says.

"I was drugged!" John counters. "We'll figure it out, right?"

"Yes we will," Rodney says, caressing his back soothingly. "I promise."

Promises can be made sincerely, John's sure Rodney is convinced when he says that, but real life is a bitch. Who knows what will happen. One thing is for sure, John wants to believe.

"Good," John says, nibbling on Rodney's lobe and he's pleased to see it results in goose bumps on Rodney's neck. As far as he's concerned, they've talked enough. Sometime while John was sleeping, Rodney got out of his pants, but kept his boxers and John trails his fingers to the elastic. John's getting hard, feeling all of Rodney's skin against his own, remembering what happened but everything Rodney offered, too. Experimentally, John pushes his groin against Rodney's hip and yeah, that's good.

"Horny again?" Rodney asks.

John pushes until he's effectively on top of Rodney and plants his hands firmly on either side of his head, then pushes up to look at him.

"Is it a problem?" John says, and then waggles his eyebrows, which earns him a crooked smile.

"Let me officially welcome you to the wonderful world of gay sex with me," Rodney says, mock serious. "Meaning that I'm, well, practically always in the mood, as one should be."

John grins.

"I like the sound of that," he says with a leer, knowing it's exaggerated but it makes Rodney giggle, which is a win. Making his best Rodney impression, John continues. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to start some catching up on my repressed homosexual tendencies by getting better acquainted with your penis, and, if possible, give you a blow job that is not the worst recorded in recent history."

Rodney laughs at that, but it turns into a moan as John starts licking and biting down his chest.

"Oh, believe me, you can't go wrong," he pants, writing under him as John suckles on a nipple.

John's not really worried. Mouth plus dick is a winning combo, even if inexperienced.

In fact, he has a good feeling about this, about being with Rodney and he's going to do his best so he doesn't fuck it up.

But that's a long term project. For now, he's got work to do.

 

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> this work was made for scifibigbang. I want to thank my flist for cheering me on, especially Irinamarenco and Jayblu, and siluria and jaydblu for the beta work. This story would not be the same without you.
> 
> I also want to thank sofiemae for her cover art work =D


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